Criminal Fanboys
by Zabe Rogue
Summary: Long ago in a town near Washington D.C., ten best friends go on an epic journey to steal a copy of Star Wars: Episode I before it shows in theaters. They will face danger, excitement, Trekkies, but it's all in the Force, right? X-Over with other shows: Psych, NCIS, L&O:SVU, Big Bang Theory, CSI: Miami, POI, Mentalist, etc. THIS WILL BE A CROSSOVER FOR THE AGES!
1. Intro: Not Your Typical Crossover

**Criminal Fanboys**

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_**INTRO: Not your typical crossover...**_

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_Long time ago in a galaxy far, far away..._

HA! You people actually thought u were reading a Star Wars fanfic!

This _is _a fanfic but not your average one.

The characters are from three different shows (not sci-fi) are best friends who share one particular love and a devious yet inspirational plan that leads to this adventure.

It starts with a broken friendship and a desire to chase after their dreams no matter what.

Then, it escalates into chaos the likes of which no Jedi, Serial Killer, or Justin Beiber Fanatic has ever seen.

**THAT'S RIGHT, BEIBER FANS! I'M CALLING U OUT!**

Anyway, if you like _Criminal Minds, NCIS, Psych, Castle, Law & Order..._all those awesome crime shows:

Then I'm VERY, VERY SORRY.

These characters are going to be EXTREMELY OC'd!

Well, while the characters are in no way, shape or form Jedi Knights, Star Wars _does _play a key role in this story.

Our story begins with a Halloween party at Georgetown University...


	2. Grown Adults, Childish Dreams

_**CHAPTER 1: Grown Adults, Childish Dreams.**_

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Halloween, 1998. College students and graduates were at a Frat House in Georgetown, listening to Blink-182, Hootie and the Blowfish and all sorts of alternative rock. Everybody was dressed up as a different character from vampires to celebrities; even a tree. Carlton Lassiter laughed to himself. This was the first party he went to in about three or four years. He initially wasn't going to go but Carlton's co-worker, Elle Greenaway, convinced him to have some fun. So here he is. Besides, what's the worst that can happen?

Suddenly, the door kicks open and _Darth Vader's Theme Song _is blasted on a boom box.

"Halloween just got _awesome,_ bitches!" A voice boomed out.

"Give in to the Dark Side," A second voice declared. _"If you want to live!"_

Carlton looked up and saw seven people in Star Wars costumes. One Darth Vader, one Emperor, one Grand Moff Tarkin and four Storm Troopers. _Scratch that. _Carlton thought._ Eight. _He didn't count Princess Leia. The people at the party just looked at the _Star Wars _posse and laughed.

"C'mon, guys! Try something original!" Someone jeered.

"You guys did that last year!" A girl complained.

"Yo, Leia!" A guy called. "Seeing anyone?"

Carlton sighed. He knew who it was behind those costumes. He just didn't want to go there just yet. Elle came to Carlton's side after seeing that crazy entrance.

"Old friends of yours?" She asked.

"The Star Wars Gang," Carlton introduced. "Better known as Shawn Spencer, Emily Prentiss, Derek Morgan, Jennifer Jareau, Spencer Reid, Juliet O'Hara and Burton Guster."

Elle nodded. "Oh, that's right! They're your old childhood friends."

"Yeah, pretty much." Carlton replied.

"OMFG!" a voice squealed from behind.

Carlton and Elle looked behind them and saw two quirky young women smiling at them. One was wearing a sexy Catholic schoolgirl outfit: white tube top, red/black plaid mini-skirt, lace leggings and black combat boots. Her long, black hair was in two ponytails. The second woman was wearing bedazzled jeans, glittery blue top and blue cats-eyeglasses. But she was also wearing earrings and a necklace made out of blue tampons. Her platinum blonde hair was streaked blue. Elle knew that these women were too eccentric for Carlton's taste, but she could tell by his expression that he knew them.

"Penelope! Abby!" Carlton greeted, wrapping his arms around them. "It's good to see you. How's Georgetown? Too crazy for you?"

"Please, not crazy enough!" Penelope Garcia scoffed.

"Yeah, they can't handle us." Abby Scuito added. "It's good to see you, Carlton. Welcome back to the Land of the Living."

"I wasn't dead, Abby." Carlton pointed out.

"You know what she means," Penelope clarified. "We missed ya, Ol' Blue Eyes." Her gaze shifted to Elle. "Who's the girlfriend?"

Carlton was about to retort when Elle stepped in.

"Hi, I'm Elle Greenaway." She introduced. "I went to college with Carlton in New York and now I work with him at the dealership."

"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you." Penelope said. "I'm Penelope Garcia, Voluptuous Sex Kitten and Tech Goddess Extraordinaire."

Elle looked at Carlton to confirm that fact. He smiled and nodded.

"And I'm Abigail Scuito," Abby introduced. "Penny's awesome BFF. But you can call me Abby."

"Princess of the Dark. Lover of Caf-Pow!, White Castle, cute little bunnies, and Rock." Carlton added. "Oh, and she hopes to become Edgar Allan Poe's wife."

"Isn't he dead?" Elle asked.

"She meant in the afterlife." Carlton clarified. Elle nodded in amusement.

"Aww, Lassie." Abby squealed. "You do remember."

"How could I forget? You're the 'Catholic Schoolgirl' version of Lady Dracula." To Penelope, he said: "Who're you supposed to be, 'The Weeping Tampon'?"

"No," Penelope replied. "I'm Picasso's _Blue Period. _Get it?"

"Not really."

"I get it." Elle said. "Very creative."

"Thanks." Penelope thanked. She whispered to Carlton: "I like her." He just smiled.

"Lassieface!" A voice called out. "Is that you?"

Carlton groaned. He knew only one person who called him ridiculous names.

"Please, tell me it's not who I think it is." He asked Penelope and Abby. Their answer was a knowing look. Elle didn't know what they were talking about. She was about to ask Carlton but was immediately startled by three members of the Star Wars gang: The Emperor, a Storm Trooper and Princess Leia.

"Have you come to join the Dark Side, Lassie?" 'The Emperor' rasped.

"No, Shawn." Carlton replied. "I have not."

Shawn Spencer suddenly engulfed him in a huge hug.

"_I missed ya, you Irish God you!" _

"_SPENCER!" _Carlton snapped. "What did I tell you?"

Shawn immediately let go. "Sorry." He started making faces behind Carlton's back. Elle and Penelope laughed.

"What's so funny?" Carlton asked.

"Nothing." Elle answered, stifling her laughs.

"Shawn, are you making faces behind Carlton's back?" a woman asked.

Shawn looked and notice his fiancée, Juliet O'Hara aka Princess Leia, staring at him. He smiled sheepishly. Carlton just gave Shawn a small glare then came over to Juliet.

"Hey, Jules."

"Carlton," Juliet greeted, giving her friend a hug. "We missed you."

"Wait!" Shawn protested. "Why does _she _get to hug you?"

"Because she's cuter than you." Carlton replied.

The girls standing beside him just laughed. Shawn just smiled and bowed.

"Thank you, thank you ladies." His gaze then turned to Elle.

"I believe I haven't had the pleasure of your acquaintance."

Elle smiled as she held out her hand to Shawn.

"No, we haven't." She replied. "I'm Elle Greenaway. I work with Carlton."

"Elle." Shawn greeted, kissing Elle's hand. "I'm the Dark Emperor Shawn Spencer."

"Shawn," Carlton warned. "_Do not _flirt with her."

"Don't worry, Carlton." Juliet assured. "Shawn's the least of your worries. We're engaged."

"_Engaged?" _Carlton repeated. "Well, congratulations."

"Thanks." Juliet thanked, giving her friend a hug "You should be worried about Gus."

"Gus?" Elle asked.

"Burton Guster." Penelope replied, pointing to the Storm Trooper flirting with Abby.

"Really, Gus?" Shawn whined.

"What?" Gus said. "I can't get my flirt on?"

Juliet rolled her eyes. "Anyway, I'm sure the others will be thrilled to see you again. They're out on the patio ,you should come with us."

"Uh, I don't think that's a-a good idea." Carlton objected. "They won't be happy to see me."

"Lassie, don't be Jolly the Suicidal Clown," Shawn jeered. "It's cool. Besides, Elle hasn't met them yet."

"Yeah and I want to." Elle agreed. "So, let's go."

Carlton sighed. "Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you."

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**CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS**

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"We're talking about an _actual fight! _Not a poker game!"

"And judging by the statistical outcome, Batman would win against Iron Man!"

Emily Prentiss looked at Spencer Reid like he was crazy.

"Iron Man would incinerate Batman!" Jennifer "JJ" Jareau argued.

"He wouldn't have a chance," Derek Morgan rebutted. "Batman got all the gadgets to shut Iron Man down."

"That's actually true." Reid put in. "Even though they're both billionaires with similar storylines, Bruce Wayne seems like the one who's more likely to be the best survivor."

"Tony Stark is a genius engineer who survived terrorists." Emily said.

"Man, you just like him because he's a rich ladies man." Derek teased.

"So is Bruce Wayne. What's your point?"

"Well, if you ask me," Shawn intervened. "Hands down, Emma Frost would win."

Emily, Derek, JJ and Reid just stared at their random friend as he waltzes in so casually, along with Juliet and Gus.

"Do you even know what we were talking about, Shawn?" JJ asked.

"Well, judging by your heated discussion, the same topic when I left: Iron Man vs. Batman."

"Then why'd you say Emma Frost?" Reid asked.

"Simple," Shawn replied. "She could just entice both Iron Man _and _Batman and I don't mean just telepathically."

"You know that's right." Gus agreed.

"Eww!" JJ squirmed.

"Actually, that's kind of hot." Derek added.

"I don't get it." Reid said. Juliet whispered the explanation in his ear. "Oh."

Emily just sighed as she looked at Juliet. "And you're _marrying him?"_

Juliet just shrugged in response. "I just focus on the positive things."

"Good answer." Derek laughed. "So where were you guys?"

Juliet was about to answer when Penelope and Abby waltzed in.

"Hello, my lovelies!" Penelope chimed. "We come bearing gifts!"  
"They come in a tiny gold wrapper?" Derek flirted.

"Eww, Morgan." Abby grimaced. "No, but look who came to say hi!"

She and Penelope immediately dragged Carlton and Elle to the patio. Derek gave Carlton a hard look, Emily gave a huge smile, Reid's eyes went wide and JJ just sat stoic, her eyes narrowed. Everyone was surprised with the exception of Shawn, Juliet and Gus.

Emily was the first to greet Carlton. She rushed up to him and gave him a huge bear hug.

"This is a surprise!" She exclaimed. "It's good to see you, Lassie. You look good."

"Thanks, Em." Carlton said. "So do you." He then saw Derek coming towards him, looking like he wanted to fight. The two men said nothing. But they just stood there, staring each other down.

"Morgan." Carlton greeted.

"Lassiter." Derek responded. "You got a lot of balls coming here."

After five minutes, Derek broke his tough guy act and gave Carlton a hug.

"I missed ya man!" He said. "Look at you, making Corporate America lookin' sexy!"

"Good to see you, Derek." Carlton smiled.

"Carlton, how's it going, man?" Reid greeted.

"It's great, Reid." Carlton then turned to the blonde woman in the Storm Trooper outfit. "Hi, JJ."

JJ turned to Carlton and gave her former best friend a short nod.

"It-it's been a while; two years."

"Four actually." JJ replied.

Noticing the ongoing tension between JJ and Carlton, Emily inadvertly changed the subject by focusing on Elle.

"So who's your friend, Carlton?" She asked.

"This is Elle." He replied. "Elle, these are my friends, Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Spencer Reid and Jennifer Jareau."

"Hi, it's nice to meet you." Elle greeted.

"How do you know Carlton?" JJ asked.

"We went to NYU together," Elle replied. "Now I work at his dealership doing accounting."

JJ looked at Carlton and smirked. "Is that what the kids are calling it these days?"

Carlton started to retort when Shawn intervened.

"You know guys, it's getting a little chilly out here." He said. "Why don't we go inside and chat it up?"

The kids nodded in agreement as they went inside the Frat House and out of the cold. JJ started to follow when Juliet stopped her.

"Will you stop it?" She asked.

"What?"

"Just because you and Carlton are not speaking doesn't mean we can't."

"Okay," JJ apologized. "I'll try to be nice."

And with that, the girls went inside to join the others.

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**CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS**

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An hour or so later, everyone was at the Frat House chatting up a storm. Elle was busy getting to know Carlton's friends. She was especially having fun talking to Penelope, Shawn and Emily. Juliet, Derek, and Carlton were catching up on old times, JJ, Gus and Abby were talking about random things and Reid was on his laptop in an online chat room.

"What'cha doing, Reid?" Penelope asked.

"Nothing much," He replied, casually. "Just chatting with a friend online."

"_Rogue Leader!" _JJ and Shawn teased.

"Shut up!" Reid whined.

Elle turned to Shawn. "Who's Rogue Leader?"

"Some chick Spence met online." JJ replied.

"Or so he _says." _Shawn added.

"She _is _a girl, Shawn." Reid retorted. "And a very hot one. She describes herself as a cross between Halle Berry and Cameron Diaz."

"WHAT?" Derek exclaimed.

JJ, Shawn and Emily busted out laughing.

"What's so funny?" Reid pouted.

"It's a good thing you're cute, Reid." Emily assured the young genius.

"No offense, _Chico," _Elle added. "But a cross like that doesn't exist in a woman unless they're from another country or they're in drag."

"Most likely you got the latter, Pretty Boy." Derek smiled.

Reid just scowled at his friends. "Bunch of haters."

"Don't worry, Dr. Reid," Shawn reassured. "You'll find your dream girl someday. And she won't be an inflated balloon.

Reid threw an empty beer can at Shawn's head, which he dodged.

"Leave Reid alone, Shawn." Juliet scolded.

"He knows I'm playing."

Carlton looked at Reid in surprise. "I didn't know you had a Ph.D., Reid."

"It's just in Engineering." Reid explained. "Haven't gotten any job offers so I'm still working at the comic book store."

"You don't look older than 25." Elle remarked.

"I just turned 22 this month. I'm sort of the smart one of the group."

_"Sort of?" _Penelope remarked. "Reid has a 187 IQ and graduated from high school at 15. He's a genius."

"Just watch out for his statistics." Gus added. "Cuz once he starts he can't stop."

"Hello," Reid said. "I'm sitting right here."

"We know." Everybody said.

Carlton shook his head. "Wow, I can't believe little Spence is a doctor."

"Amazing how much you'd miss when you're gone 4 years." JJ snipped.

Juliet punched her arm. "Ow!"

"Well, that's why I came back." Carlton said. "I liked New York but I missed Quantico."

"We missed you, Carly Bear." Shawn said. He reached over to hug Carlton when the tall man gave him a threatening look.

Suddenly, Reid's digital clock started beeping putting everyone on high alert.

"Is it midnight already?" Emily gasped.

"It's midnight y'all!" Derek declared.

"Ooh, Spence. Toss me your clock." JJ said. "It's my turn."

Reid took out his clock and tossed it over to JJ who caught it with gleeful excitement. Elle looked at her new acquaintances, more confused than ever. Carlton didn't seem surprised at all. The rest of the gang were also anticipating with excitement, with the exception of Abby and Penelope who were just shaking their heads.

"Alright, Countdown to _Episode I_!" JJ announced.

Elle turned to Carlton. "_Episode I? _As in the new _Star Wars _movie?"

Carlton simply nodded.

"How long we got, Jayje?" Emily asked.

"Well, we got 6 months, 27 weeks, 84 days, 156 hours and we're counting the minutes to the _Phantom Menace_!"

"WHAT!" Shawn and Gus cheered. They made a fist-bump together.

"I've been waiting for this movie since I was 8!" Juliet said. "It's so important to me."

"What?" Shawn exclaimed.

"Not as important as our wedding, baby." She reassured.

"Who cares, I would give my one nut to see that movie for free." Derek said. "And you guys know I only have that one nut."

"You know," JJ suggested, smiling. "There _is _a way we can see it."

"You know there is, Jareau!" Gus cheered.

"Don't get her started, Gus." Abby pleaded.

"Too late, Abby."

JJ grabbed her beer, took a long swig of it, and stood at the center of the room. Her blue eyes were sparkling with excitement and ambition. Elle didn't know what the petite blonde was planning but she could tell by Carlton's face that it wasn't pretty. Before Elle could even blink, she found herself face to face with JJ.

"Are you a Fanboy, Elle?" She asked. "A _true _Fanboy?"

"JJ, I don't think Elle is comfortable…" Carlton began.

"Yes." Elle replied, cutting her friend off. "I'm a Fanboy."

JJ looked at Elle in suspicion. "Who composed the infamous _Star Wars _theme song?"

"JJ," Emily said. "Don't do this."

"If she is a Fanboy, then this question will be a no-brainer." She looked at Elle for an answer.

Carlton just shook his head as he whispered to Elle: "You don't have to answer her."

"I want to." Elle challenged. She turned back to JJ. "The composer of _Star Wars _is John Williams."

JJ's warring look quickly turned into sheer happiness as she pulled Elle into a big embrace. "Welcome to the Rebel Fleet, Miss Greenaway." She said. "Now you can hear all about our awesome plan."

"What plan?" Elle asked.

JJ turned to Derek, Gus, Shawn & Reid. "What plan, boys?"

"TO STEAL _EPISODE I!" _The boys cheered.

"Whoo!" Juliet cheered.

"Yeah!" Emily cheered.

Abby looked at Penelope. "Here they go again." She muttered.

"Oh God," Penelope groaned. "Abby and I cannot listen to this _shit _for another freaking month."

"Hush your mouth, woman." JJ mock-scolded.

"You're gonna listen to it." Derek told the girls. "It's gonna happen."

"Tell us about the rabbits, George." Shawn added, doing an impersonation of Lenny.

JJ held up her beer for dramatic effect as she began to recite her awesome plan.

"We take a road trip, from Quantico to San Francisco, break into George Lucas' headquarters, Skywalker Ranch people….and _steal ourselves _a copy of _Episode I _before anyone's ever seen it!"

"We'll see it for free!" Derek declared.

Emily, Derek, JJ, Reid, Juliet were cheering. Shawn and Gus were dancing, Penelope and Abby were just laughing. They heard JJ talk about this plan millions of times, it was very amusing to them. Elle was laughing too until she looked at Carlton who was frowning the whole time.

"When are you going to stop talking about this, JJ?" He began. "This plan won't work."

"And why the hell not?"

"For starters, you've been planning this since elementary school. We're grown adults now. It's impossible to go from one side of the country to another, oh, and not to mention you can get arrested for breaking and entering. Ever thought about that?"

JJ looked at Carlton with a hard, steely glare. Elle could tell by the look in her eyes that she was deeply hurt by what Carlton said. But JJ didn't show it. Instead, she smiled coldly and raised her beer at Carlton.

"It was great seeing ya, Lassie." She said. "Way to douche up the party."

She grabbed her Storm Trooper helmet and went outside, Juliet, Reid, Gus & Derek following close behind. Derek turned to Carlton before leaving.

"Nothing is impossible, my friend." He said to him. To Elle, he said: "Nice to meet you, _Mami."_

Carlton tried to hide his guilt but it was written all over his face. "We better go," He told his remaining friends. "We got work on Monday."

"I'm sorry about JJ." Emily apologized.

"Don't worry about it." Carlton shrugged. "I suspected it."

He got up from the couch and headed for the door, with Elle following close behind.

"It was good seeing you guys."

"You too, Carlton." Abby said.

"Bye, Ol' Blue Eyes." Penelope said, giving both Carlton and Elle a hug. "Keep in touch, Elle."

"Don't worry, I will." Elle laughed. "It was great meeting you guys."

"You too, Elle." Shawn said. "Don't be a stranger. You neither, Lassie."

After Carlton and Elle left, Emily came over to Shawn with a concerned look on her face.

"We should tell him." She decided.

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**A/N: That's the first chapter of _Criminal Fanboys! _Tell me what you think! Reid and Review!**

**More Chaos to come!**


	3. Did Luke REALLY Have A Thing For Leia?

_**AN: Sorry for the Long Update! School, Writer's Block...You know the deal. Now I have time to work on my other stories. Enjoy this Chapter! If you like Parodies...awesome! You're seeing ur characters differently! ENJOY!**_

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**__****CHAPTER 2: Did Luke REALLY Have a Thing for Leia?**

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Elle Greenaway was heading towards her accounting desk at Loud Leroy's Cars when she caught sight of her friend closing another deal on a car, smiling and talking as if last weekend never happened.

"Here are your keys to your new Saturn," Carlton Lassiter said to a young couple. "Thank you for choosing Loud Leroy's Cars." Elle waited after the couple left before coming over her best friend.

"Well, that looked like it was an easy deal." She mused.

Carlton looked up at Elle. "Well, they were a new married couple looking for a reliable car. I say it was a pretty slam dunk."

"Good to see you bounce back after what happened Saturday."

"Look, JJ's been bitter ever since I left for New York. It's nothing new, Elle."

"That didn't look like nothing. She looked hurt."

"What do you want me to do? Apologize? She won't hear it. It's better if I'd just leave well enough alone."

Elle just shrugged. "Well, I liked your friends. I don't understand why you lost contact after all these years."

Carlton started to say something when a tall, bumbling man came towards them.

"Hey Buzz." Elle greeted. "How's your wife?"

"She's doing great," Buzz McNabb replied. "We're having a baby."

"That's wonderful! Congratulations!"

Buzz smiled a blushing smile.

"Great, McNabb." Carlton said. "We're all happy for you. Is there something you need?"

"Oh, right." McNabb replied, getting back to his thoughts. "Mr. Gibbs wants us all in the conference room. He wants to see the new commercial."

Carlton groaned. "Well, this should be fun."

Elle just smirked.

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**CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS**

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**_Wake up, Quantico! It's time TO. GET. LOUD! _**

**_You can't get a used car for what you're money's worth, then come on down to Loud Leroy's Cars. _**

**_We have everything to suit your needs: sedans, minivans, trucks, jeeps. '97 Ford Taurus' for $699!_**

**_ '98 Saturn SL2 for $499! And 30% off on ALL PONITACS AND JEEPS! _**

**_If you want a car for cheap, if you want with no down payment, STOP getting swindled and see Virginia's own LOUD LEROY JETHRO! _**

**_Come to the address on the TV, and GET LOUD!_**

When the commercial ended, Leroy Jethro Gibbs aka Loud Leroy turned to his employees and clapped his hands in triumph.

"Now _that _is what I call a commercial." He declared. "It's entertaining, gripping, dashing." He turned to Carlton. "Nephew, you did your uncle justice. Made me look like the American version of….what's that British dude's name who plays James Bond now?"

"Pierce Brosnan?" McNabb guessed.

"That's it! THAT GUY!" Leroy laughed. "Yes siree, I'm the James Bond of cars sales. And you, Carlton, helped get me there." He gave a round of applause and everyone followed suit. Carlton looked at Elle who smiled.

"Thanks, Uncle Leroy." He just said.

A woman came into the conference room as Leroy was going over some of the merchandise that came in and she whispered in McNabb's ear.

"Is there something you want to share with the class there, Probie?" Tony DiNozzo asked the woman.

Amanda Li and McNabb looked at each other nervously. Then Li proceeded to reply: "There're some customers outside asking for Carlton and Elle."

"Carlton _and _Elle?" Leroy repeated.

"Elle's not a salesperson," Tony laughed. "She's just a secretary."

"And you're just a sleazebag." Elle sneered.

"Let Greenaway go with Carlton." Leroy decided. "She could use the training."

Elle and Carlton went outside the car lot to see Shawn Spencer, Emily Prentiss, Spencer Reid, Juliet O'Hara & Derek Morgan standing in front of a retro-like van.

"Lassie! Elle!" Shawn greeted cheerfully. "We've missed you!"

"You saw us Saturday at the party, Spencer." Carlton said.

"Hey, guys." Elle greeted. "What're doing here?"

"We were just in the neighborhood," Emily answered. "Thought we'd stop by."

"Really?" Carlton said. "You sure your boyfriend is not here for a new car? We don't have much but it's better than that crap bucket he's been driving since 10th grade."

"Hey, hey!" Derek protested, coming over and tracing small circles on his van. "She don't look like much but she's got it where it counts."

"The best hunk of junk in the galaxy," Shawn added.

Carlton rolled his eyes. "Alright, why are you here then?"

"We need to talk to you about JJ." Emily answered in a serious tone.

Elle looked at Carlton. "I guess I'm not the only one who's worried about her."

"For God's Sakes," Carlton said. "Jareau needs to learn to let things go. It's been four years."

"Lassie, I don't think you understand…" Reid began.

"I understand _perfectly. _JJ's still pissed that I moved to New York and broke our promise. I'm sorry, really I am; but she needs to learn that people grow up and they move on from…."

"She's _dying, Carlton." _Juliet declared.

Carlton stopped his train of thought and looked at Juliet in disbelief. Elle looked like she was in shock and sadness. Carlton just couldn't stomach this information.

"Dying? What do you mean she's dying?"

"JJ's dying, man." Derek confirmed. "She's got cancer."

"Technically, it's leukemia." Reid said.

"Same thing, Reid!" Emily and Shawn scolded.

"When did she find out?" Elle asked.

"About six months after Carlton left." Juliet answered. "She got a bone marrow transplant, chemo and was in remission for almost two years."

"Then it all came back," Emily continued. "And JJ stopped responding to treatments. The doctors gave her three to five months."

"_Three to five months?" _Carlton exclaimed. "And you're just not telling me this now?"

"We swear on Kenobi's ghost that we wanted to tell you," Shawn defended. "In fact, Jules and Emily here _begged_ JJ to tell you."

"But she refused?" Elle concluded.

Juliet shrugged. "JJ kept insisting that we didn't."

"Look, the way I see it, you two have been friends longer than any of us," Emily told Carlton. "Since the 1st grade, I think. You should make your peace with her and clear whatever bad blood there is between you before she dies."

"How am I supposed to do that when JJ wants nothing to do with me?" Carlton argued. "She didn't even want me to know that she was _dying!" _

"With all due respect Carlton," Reid said. "This isn't about you."

Carlton scoffed and started to head back inside the dealership when Elle stopped him.

"Carlton, wait." She said. "I think you should go see her."

"What? You agree with them?"

"Neither of you may not like this or want it, but trust me it's what you both need."

Carlton looked from Elle's direction to his friends and sighed.

"Does JJ know about this?" He asked.

"Of course not." Emily replied.

"Okay, so what if I _do _approach her…"

"HOLY SHIT!"

Everyone looked around to see Tony DiNozzo strut outside like he owned the place. They were less than pleased. The girls rolled their eyes and sighed, Carlton gave an exasperated look, Shawn groaned, Derek gave a pissed-off look and Reid looked down to avoid any confrontation.

"Well, well, well." Tony sneered. "If it isn't Luke Fagwalker, Princess Lesbian, C3-PienasFace, R2-Dickhead and the Lovely Emily Prentiss."

"What did you say, you _giant bastard?" _Derek countered.

"Well put." Reid commended.

"You talk a lot of smack, Morgan." Tony said. "For someone who still lives in his mother's garage and drives a crappy-ass van."

Derek started to lunge forward to give Tony a piece of his mind but Emily and Shawn held him back.

"He's not worth it, man." Shawn told him. "Let it go."

Derek loosened his grip and leaned on the side of his van to regain his composure. Tony just laughed. "Why are you still with him, Emily?" He asked her. "I know it's not for the money because he doesn't have a job so it has to be something else."

"He's more man than you'll ever be, Tony." Emily said.

"I highly doubt that."

Carlton finally had enough of his cousin's bantering. "Tony, stop being a jackass!"

"Like that's a possibility." Elle said.

"Aww, boo hoo. Well, guess what, Carlton? While you and your girlfriend were playing lightsaber battles with your geek posse, I convinced Uncle Leroy to recut the commercial. So, Boo Yah!" He started to punch Carlton in the arm but he flinched back. Tony just smiled. "Oh, see you flinched. So that's going to be _two _for you, Princess Leia." He punched Carlton two times. "Nanu, nanu!"

"You're a caveman, DiNozzo." Elle said disgustedly.

"And _proud _of it, Greenaway."

Tony looked at Emily flirtatiously. "My offer still stands, Emily."

"And my answer still remains, Tony." She replied. "I would _never in a million years _be your girlfriend. Even if you were the last man on this galaxy."

"You're loss, babe." To Reid, Tony said: "Get a haircut." Then he put on his sunglasses and strutted away to talk to a young woman.

Juliet shook her head in disgust. "He makes me sick." She said.

"Join the club." Elle agreed. She looked at Derek. "Maybe you should've taken him out while you had the chance."

"Yeah, but he wasn't worth it." To Carlton, he said: "We're all hanging out at the Fortress tonight and you're coming."

"And JJ won't mind?" Carlton said.

"We don't need JJ's permission," Emily said. "Just you and Elle come on over tonight."

"See ya, Carlton. See ya, Elle." Juliet said.

"Bye, Lassieface." Shawn said.

After the eccentric gang left, Elle and Carlton stood there in silence; absorbing the information they just found out.

"So, what're gonna do now?" Elle asked.

"I don't know." Carlton replied.

* * *

**CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS**

* * *

"NO TEAMING UP!"

Emily and Derek were laughing hysterically as they watched Reid getting his butt kicked on Mario Kart by JJ Jareau and Burton Guster. Juliet and Shawn were making out.

"You're in last place, Spence." JJ said. "We're doing you a favor."

"That's a rule, JJ!" Reid argued. "No teaming up on anybody during a game or a lightsaber battle." He turned to Derek. "Can I get a ruling on this?"

"Sorry, Pretty Boy." Derek said. "But today is 'Gang up on Reid' Day."

Reid frowned under his Chewbacca mask. He looked over at Shawn who was preoccupied with Juliet.

"Thanks for helping me out, Shawn!" He called.

"You're welcome." He replied, nonchalantly.

"He's too busy mackin' on his woman." Gus teased.

"At least I got one, Gus!" Shawn teased back.

"I told you, Abby and I are on a break."

"Yeah, a very _long _break." Emily said.

JJ and Derek laughed at that comment. There was a knock on the door and Derek got up to answer it. "Don't crash my car, Gus." He warned.

"Maybe if your Donkey Kong would stop rear ending my Mario, I just might."

Derek made a face as he opened the door. Carlton and Elle walked in dressed in their casual attire. Carlton had on gray khakis, a white button-down shirt and a navy blue sweater vest on top of it. Elle was wearing a light pink V-neck sweater and a blue jean mini-skirt.

"What's up, Carlton." Derek greeted.

"Hey, Derek. Hey, everyone." Carlton said.

"What's good, Lassie?" Gus said. To Elle, he smiled: "How you doin', Elle?"

"I'm fine, Gus." Elle smiled. She looked at Shawn and Juliet making out. "They seem pretty busy."

"Hey, they're about to get married. You gotta make it count." Derek pointed out.

Elle nodded then she handed a big pile of trash to Derek.

"Your mom told me to tell you to take this out before she 'busts your head until your friends see the white meat showing.'"

Derek's eyes grew wide as he saw Gus and Reid snicker to themselves. Embarrassed and slightly furious, he went outside and shouted to, what it looked like practically nothing.

"THAT'S EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL AND YOU KNOW IT!" He ranted.

"_I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS," _Derek's mother, Fran Morgan said. "_PICK THIS TRASH UP OR I AIN'T GETTING YOUR WHITE CATSLE!"_

_ "_THEN I WON'T PAY RENT!"

"_YOU NEVER **DID** PAY RENT!" _

Gus, Emily and Reid laughed at that comment. Derek glared at them.

"Well, she's right." Emily pointed out.

JJ kept staring at Carlton with utter shock and disdain then she turned to Reid.

"Why is he here?" She whispered angrily, referring to Carlton.

"It was Emily's idea." Reid confessed. Emily threw her shoe at his head. "OW! What the hell, Emily?"

Emily snickered and took a swig of her beer when she caught JJ's steely glare.

"What?"

"You told him, didn't you?"

"And so what if I did?" Emily shrugged. "He was gonna find out sooner or later."

"Come on guys," Derek invited. "We're ganging up on Reid in Mario Kart. Grab a controller."

"As awesome as that sounds, Elle and I aren't going to stay very long," Carlton replied. "I actually came here to talk to JJ."

JJ looked at Carlton. "Well, I'm sorry you've wasted your time because I don't want to talk to you."

"Just give me two minutes."

JJ was about to refuse again when her nagging friend in the back interrupted her.

"For the love of God, Jennifer!" Juliet whined. "Talk to him!"

"Fine." JJ sighed, grabbing her jacket. She looked at Juliet. "You scare me, O'Hara."

"I know." Then she went back to making out with her fiancé.

Carlton and JJ stood outside of Derek's house in utter silence for ten minutes. Finally, JJ broke it, growing impatient.

"Do you have something to say, Lassiter?" She said. "Because I can go inside and just get back with my life."

"From what I heard is only three to five months." Carlton said.

JJ cursed. "I'm _so _going to kill Prentiss."

"Why didn't you tell me you had cancer, JJ?"

"It was none of your business. It's my decision of whom I do and don't tell about my life. Besides, you were doing _so great _in New York, I didn't want my insignificant news to be a killjoy for you."

"So, _that's _what this is really about: Me going to New York?"

JJ shrugged. "I'm just saying a promise is a promise." She turned to leave, heading for her car. That's when Carlton finally had enough of JJ's cold shoulder.

"Wait _one goddamn minute, Jennifer!" _ He snapped.

JJ turned back around to face her former best friend who seemed just as pissed as she was. The rest of the gang emerged from the garage to hear the intense conversation. Elle, Juliet and Emily were standing on the side of the garage door while Derek, Gus, Reid and Shawn were struggling behind the gate to get a better view.

_"I can't see what's happening, Gus." _Shawn whispered. "_Let me stand on your head."_

_ "No, Shawn." _Gus objected.

"_Don't even think about asking me." _Reid added.

_"You're taller than me and you know I have glaucoma."_

_ "You don't have glaucoma, Shawn." _Reid pointed out. "_You have astigmatism."_

_ "I can't see very well, that's the point. Now let me stand on one of your heads so I can watch Lassie and JJ argue!"_

_ "No!" _Reid and Gus objected.

_"Will you idiots shut up?" _Juliet shushed.

Derek snickered and Shawn frowned as the rest got back to the drama unfolding before them.

"You were like a sister to me!" Carlton argued. "I get it that you're mad at me and I'm sorry but you couldn't have the _decency _to tell me that you were _dying?"_

"I tell that information to _my friends," _JJ bit back. "You gave that up four years ago."

"For God's Sakes, JJ, I left for college! What's the damage?"

"That's just it, Carlton. _You left!_ You walked away from your dreams, your life, your _friends _and you didn't look back. You broke our promise and sold out to become….corporate sleaze."

"I didn't 'sell out' on anything, Jareau. I did what I had to do and faced reality. We were never going to be big names in the comic book industry so I went to college. Sorry, I got a real life."

"You may be able to fool all of these people," JJ smiled humorlessly. "Your uncle, the guys at the dealership, your girlfriend, they may believe that you got your life together. But I've known you your whole life, Carlton. I know you better than you know yourself and I know _for a fact, _that you're one miserable son of a bitch."

"Damn it, Jennifer. Why can't you understand that I _grew up?" _Carlton snapped. "And it seems, besides Juliet, Reid and possibly Shawn that I'm the only one who did."

"I'm living my life the way _I _want to live it."

"How, JJ? By spending your last few months in Derek's house, playing video games, lightsaber battles, and arguing weather or not Luke really had a thing for Leia?"

Everybody in the back, with the exception of Elle, groaned.

_"Really, Lassie?" _Shawn lamented.

_"Why?" _Emily sighed. _Why did he have to bring that topic up?"_

_ "What's wrong with that topic?" _Elle asked, still confused.

_"It's one of JJ's hot topics when talking about Star Wars," _Juliet clarified. _"Did Luke really have a thing for Leia before and/or after he found out they were related."_

_ "And it was also one of Carlton's best topics to piss JJ off with." _Reid added.

_"What Carlton doesn't agree with JJ?" _Elle asked.

_"It's not the fact that he does or doesn't," _Emily said. _"It's the fact that he knows how to push JJ's buttons with it."_

JJ walked up to Carlton, her blue eyes emitted an icy fire. Carlton knew he struck a nerve but at this point, he didn't care.

"You know, as well as anyone," JJ began in a low, angry voice. "That when Luke found out that Leia was _his sister, it was hands off!"_

"They still kissed." Carlton reasoned.

"That was _Leia _kissing Luke to _make Han jealous!"_

"That was the _second time! _The first time they were making…."

"The _were about to die the first time!" _

"No, they weren't you liar!"

"Yes, they were!" JJ argued. "They were swinging 30,000 feet in the air while being chased by Storm Troopers!"

"You _know _when you're siblings." Carlton said. "There's something innate there; either one of them should've pick it up."

"They were separated for 20 years, Carlton."

"That doesn't mean anything."

"It means _everything!"_

The gang watched as Carlton and JJ went back and forth, arguing for ten minutes about Luke ever having a thing for his sister.

"_You know, I've seen these arguments dozens of times," _Shawn remarked. _"They never cease to entertain me."_

_ "Speak for yourself," _Gus said. _"I don't understand how they managed to do this for 16 years. I'm exhausted just listening to them."_

_ "Ditto." _Emily agreed.

"Come on, JJ." Carlton said, clearly exhausted. "You've been ranting about this since 7th grade."

"And yet here we are again!" JJ argued. "You should know this by now, Carlton, you of all people."

"That doesn't mean I care about every single detail. Who cares about this shit?"

"_I DO! _I care." JJ showed her _Star Wars _T-Shirt to him. "And _you know _how much it means to me."

"JJ, look.." Carlton began.

"Just stop." JJ interrupted, her voice breaking. "I'm done talking to you."

She headed to her old green Toyota to leave. Carlton watched in sad pity as JJ fumbled with her keys then struggled with the engine. After some agonizing seconds, JJ finally got her car up and running. Carlton didn't know what to say. He knew JJ was hurting because she was having a tough time not showing it. Maybe being here was making it worse. He wanted to apologize, take back the last four years and make it all better. Carlton wanted so much to say that to JJ. But that's not what he said.

"You need a new car." He told JJ.

"THEY WERE_ SIBLINGS!" _JJ shouted at Carlton as she drove off. "THEY WERE _SIBLINGS, _YOU SICK BASTARD!"

Carlton watched as JJ drove off, saying nothing else. Then he turned to his friends who were shocked to silence. They had nothing to say after that either. Well, except for one.

"Best. Soap Opera. Ever." Shawn Spencer declared.

Juliet O'Hara and Emily Prentiss just looked at him.

* * *

**CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS**

* * *

"You are trapped within the Caves of Zyreth. There is no escaping the fear and danger that awaits you…"

Elle was packing up the last of her inventory at the dealership when she heard Carlton talking to himself in his office. Curious, she dropped in to see what was he doing. When she walked in, she couldn't believe what she saw: Carlton Lassiter smiling a genuine smile as he was drawing what appeared to be a comic strip!

"Well," she remarked. "I thought I'd seen it all."

Carlton tore away from his work and looked at Elle who was leaning on the edge of the doorway.

"I thought you left." He said.

"Had some last minute finances to take care of," Elle shrugged. "What's that?"

"Just some doodles."

"Can I see?"

Carlton handed the drawing to Elle. She looked at the drawing and was more than amazed at what she saw. This wasn't a mere sketch, this was art! It was a picture of three futuristic heroes in a cave, defending themselves against giant squid-like plants. Looking on was an evil empress who was laughing manically. Elle couldn't get over the details and the lines that were put into this. Carlton truly had a gift, she could see why JJ was so pissed at him.

"This is awesome, Carlton." She said.

"You don't have to be nice, Elle." He replied.

"I'm serious. You have a natural-born gift. How come you didn't make it into a career?"

"Do you know any well-known comic artists today, _besides _Stan Lee?"

"Brian Vaughn, Joss Whedon, to name a few."

"Okay, there are a few but it takes a while to get to where _they _are now. And I don't have that time."

"You have more time than JJ has," Elle pointed out. "I know selling cars isn't something you want to do for the rest of your life."

Before Carlton could reply, Leroy Gibbs made his presence known.

"I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" he asked.

"Of course not, Uncle Leroy." Carlton replied.

"Yeah, I was just leaving." Elle added. She started to go when Leroy stopped her.

"You can stay, Elle." He said. "I want you to hear this good news, as well."

"What good news?" Carlton said.

"I ain't getting any younger, Carlton." Leroy began. "Time comes when a captain has to choose a first-in-command to lead the cavalry when he is away. And I've chosen my first mate."

Elle and Carlton looked at each other, not fully understanding the whole analogy.

"It's all yours, nephew." Leroy went on. "The whole shebang."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, of course. Starting Monday, you're in charge of all 25 locations in the East Coast."

Carlton's bright blue eyes grew wide in disbelief. Elle came by and hugged him, which he graciously returned.

"Wow, Uncle Leroy." He stammered. "I…I don't know what to say."

"Say you'll take it." Leroy said, simply.

"I'll take it."

He shook his uncle's hand firmly. Elle smiled slightly at the exchange but couldn't help but wonder if Carlton was truly happy.

"Well, congratulations again, Carlton." She said. "I better go, I have a cat that begs for my attention."

"Now, don't leave so soon, Elle." Leroy stopped her. "There's some good news in it for you as well."

Elle stopped in her tracks. "Really?"

"Yeah. Carlton always served as my right-hand man. But now that he's taking over the company, he's going to need his own right-hand. That's where _you _come in."

Elle was speechless. "Shouldn't Tony be a sensible candidate?"

"Tony's a good salesman but he's a dick." Leroy stated. "Besides, you two have good chemistry."

Both Elle _and _Carlton laughed nervously at that.

"Thank you, Mr. Gibbs." Elle thanked.

Leroy simply nodded before he turned back to Carlton. "Now that you're running the company," He told him. "It's my honor, to pass the proverbial torch."

He took off his black cowboy hat and handed it to Carlton, which made him very uncomfortable.

"Uh…I don't think I can accept that from you." Carlton said.

"No, please take it." Leroy insisted.

"But it's your hat."

"It's _your hat_ now."

"You can keep the hat, Uncle Leroy."

"Take it."

"I don't want it."

"Take the hat, Carlton."

"Why can't I get my own hat?"

"Take the damn hat."

Carlton conceded and took the hat from his uncle. "I'll wear it with pride." He said.

"That's my boy." Leroy smiled. "Your daddy would've been proud."

"Thanks, Uncle Leroy."

"You and me? Tanning Tuesdays?" Carlton just nodded.

After Leroy left, Elle turned to Carlton.

"So, Mr. CEO, how's life now?" She asked.

Carlton didn't come up with a straight answer right away. And at that particular moment, he wondered if JJ was right about him being miserable.

* * *

_**AN: Don't forget to Reid N' Review!**_

_**Next Chapter: Carlton, Derek, Elle, Emily, Gus, JJ, Juliet, Reid & Shawn begin their Ultimate Quest to steal Star Wars: Episode I! And they encounter many surprise visitors along the way! STAY TUNED!**_


	4. The Ultimate Road Trip

**A/N:****Again, I apologize for the LONG-AWAITED update. School, Life always seem to get in the way. But now that I'm on break, I can whip out this chapter and two short ones. YAY! MORE CRIMINAL FANBOYS FOR YOUR PLEASURE! ALSO, if anyone is wicked awesome in making covers, please make one for this story!**

**Thanks and ENJOY!**

**Zabe Rogue**

* * *

_**The Ultimate Road Trip for The Ultimate Plan**_

* * *

"Why're you giving me the 3rd degree, Abs?"

Abby Scuito turned around to face her ex-boyfriend, Burton Guster, who was running down the street to catch up with her, black roses and a large gulp of Caf-Pow! in each hand.

"I told you before, Gus," She replied. "We're two different people who want different things. I want to be a forensic scientist someday and you want to be a salesman."

"No, I want to be a _pharmacist, _that's why I'm going to school for."

"For _seven years?" _

"It's five years, Abby." Gus clarified. "I had to repeat this year because I'm behind two classes. And it's not really a year, it's more like a semester."

"And you're still working that salesman job?" Abby asked.

"I'm a pharmaceutical representative, Abby. It's a very noble profession. Besides, it'll help me with my future career."

"That is if you'll even _get there," _Abby scoffed. She started to walk off when Gus called her name again.

"Abby, come on." He pleaded. "I'm doing the best I can. I'm flirting less, I've sent you roses, brought you $50 worth of junk food, got a job. What else do you want me to do?"

"Be a man, Burton Guster." Abby said. "Stop slacking and kissing up and just be a man. We've been together for three years, when are we going to move in together?"

When Gus couldn't come up with a straight answer, Abby just sighed, grabbed the Caf-Pow! drink and walked off, making her way to the comic book store. Finally snapping out of his thoughts, Gus figured out where Abby was going and followed her. He saw Abby flipping through an _X-Men _comic book, gulping down her drink.

"I told you," He reasoned. "I need to clear it with my parents."

"You don't live with them!" Abby argued.

"But they pay half of my rent."

Abby sighed and headed towards the back, brushing past Penelope Garcia. The blonde haired girl looked at her best friend curiously before looking at the actual source of her distress.

"What did you do this time, Guster?" She asked.

Gus shrugged. "I didn't do anything. It's the same argument day after day."

"Thus proving that you're _not doing_ anything." Emily Prentiss imputed.

"You're one to talk," Gus rebutted. "You're boyfriend still lives with his mama."

"At least he knows what he wants to do with his life."

As if on cue, Derek Morgan came rushing in the store, a McDonald's bag in his hand.

"Baby, I perfected it!" He announced, kissing Emily deeply. "I finally tackled the ultimate task!"

"You finally got your mom to expand the garage so you can open up the new car detailing store?"

"No, still working on that one."

"Derek, I thought you were going to talk to her."

"You know Mama. She won't budge when it comes to the house. She's already trying to get me to move out."

Gus snickered. "Yeah, he's a _real _keeper, Prentiss." Emily threw a discarded soda can at his head. Gus rubbed it and frowned.

"What was the ultimate task, Derek?" Emily asked.

"I mastered the Jedi Mind Trick."

Emily looked at her boyfriend for a long time before unstocking a box of new comic books. _"Il mio ragazzo è un uomo pazzo." _She muttered in Italian.

Gus, on the other hand, came up to the taller man and stood toe-to-toe with him.

"You didn't master nothing." He challenged.

"Oh, you're challenging me, Guster?"

"I double-dog challenge you, Morgan." Gus' eyes shifted toward Penelope, who was putting discarded comic books back on their shelves. "Do it on Garcia."

"Man, please." Derek scoffed. "I got this."

Emily shook her head as she watched Derek walk confidently toward Penelope. Gus followed not too far behind to witness this so-called achievement.

"Can you believe them.." She started to ask Spencer Reid. But the young genius was on his computer, chatting with his online girlfriend. Emily just nodded and went back to the embarrassing scene that was starting to unfold.

When Derek got close to Penelope, he put one hand to his temple and another to the sky like he was calling on something. Then he said, in the most sexy, hypnotic voice he could think of: "You want…to take your shirt off."

Nothing happened.

Derek glared at Gus who was holding back his snickers. He concentrated more and tried again.

"You want to take your shirt off."

Still Penelope did nothing and Derek cursed to himself. Maybe he didn't master it as well as he hoped. _Screw it. _Derek thought.

"Hey Baby Girl," He said. "You wanna take that shirt off?"

"ASSHOLE!" Penelope snapped.

Her outburst startled not only Derek but Emily and Gus as well. Reid was still oblivious to what was going on around him. After she calmed down for a minute, Penelope turned to Derek and Gus. "You two idiots have been trying that Jedi Mind shit on me and Abby since 7th grade. It _does not work!" _

"If it don't work, how come I'm dating Abby?" Gus challenged.

Derek and Penelope just looked at Gus.

"Abby dumped your ass, Gus." Emily pointed out bluntly.

Gus scowled. "So?"

"Oh, it works Garcia!" Derek declared. "It works! Tell her, Reid."

"Yeah, Reid's not listening, babe." Emily said.

"He's too busy chatting with his 'soul mate,' Rogue Leader," Penelope added. "Nothing can tear him away."

She shoved the box she was holding at Derek and proceeded to lift up her shirt and bra, flashing her breasts at Reid. Gus and Derek gawked at the glorious sight beholding them as Penelope exposed her massive vanilla drums to the world. Emily's eyes just widened and went back to her _Dragon Ball _graphic novel.

"Oh, I _love _how the fresh air feels on my _naked breasts!" _Penelope declared loudly. But Spencer Reid was _still oblivious _to the world around him. Penelope just sighed and lifted her shirt back down. "See what I mean? The man's immune to sweater yams. I gonna go check on Abby."

She headed for the back, leaving her male friends speechless at her previous actions. Burton Guster _finally _found his voice.

"What about me?" He ranted. "I like sweater yams!"

Penelope just gave him the finger and left. Derek was still in a state of transient shock when he felt a McDonald's cup hit him in the back of the head. He turned around to see his girlfriend staring down at him.

"You know I was just kidding, Emily." He said, coming over to her. "Your sweater yams are the only ones I enjoy."

"They better be, Morgan." Emily warned, kissing his lips. "Now you and Gus make yourselves useful and unstock these new comic books."

Gus and Derek did as the young brunette commanded and started to unload some boxes when they heard arguing from the background. They turned around to see Juliet O'Hara and Shawn Spencer engaged in a rather heated discussion.

"I'm not being inconsiderate, Jules." Shawn reasoned.

"If you didn't like the tableware for the reception, Shawn, all you had to do was say so." Juliet argued.

"I _did _say I liked it!"

Juliet was about to retort when Emily stepped in between them, affectively halting the argument. "All right, all right," She intervened. "What's going on with you lovebirds?"

"I finally picked the tableware for the wedding reception and Shawn doesn't like it." Juliet explained.

"I never said that." Shawn defended. "I simply said we could do better."

Derek and Gus groaned in exasperation while Emily shook her head.

"That's the same thing as disagreeing with Juliet, Shawn." Gus explained.

"How many times do I have to explain it to you, youngster?" Derek added. "Let _your girl _plan the wedding. All you have to do is show up."

"Even if the tableware cost $650?" Shawn said.

"That's not so bad for one table."

"$650 _per guest, _Derek."

Derek's eyes nearly bulged out of his sockets. Gus dropped the stack of comics he was putting up and stared at Juliet.

"Woman, do you think my best friend is _made of money?" _He exclaimed.

"I know right," Derek added. "Is the silverware made of real silver or something?"

"No," Juliet defended. "Imported China."

"You went to that antique shop I told you about?" Emily said.

Juliet nodded. "The tableware was so lovely."

"Really, Emily?" Shawn whined. "Who in the world eats from China plates?"

"Middle and Upper class people in Hong Kong and China, wealthy socialites and the Royal Family of England."

Everyone slowly turned around to look at Reid, who was still preoccupied with his online chat.

"Oh, _now _he says something." Derek says.

"I didn't even know he was here." Juliet remarked.

"That's because he was chatting with his lover all morning." Emily replied. She turned to Shawn. "I'll pay for the tableware, Shawn."

"You don't have to, Emily."

"I want to. This is your wedding and it's supposed to be happy. So shut up and be happy."

Shawn simply put his hands up in surrender. "Looks like you have your China, babe."

Juliet smiled and kissed her fiancé. "Thanks, honey."

The kids went back to manning the store when the door rang open again, indicating the signal of two visitors walking in. Emily caught sight of them and immediately recognized them as the two Asian teenagers, Timmy & Hiro, from the local high school…who were Trekkies. Derek and Shawn noticed them too because their expressions grew feral.

"I got these jokers," Derek growled. He proceeded to walk up to the counter when Emily held him back.

"That last time you handled them, you sent one kid to the hospital." She pointed out.

"He only had a black eye and two stitches."

"Doesn't matter, I'll go."

Emily walked up to the counter and smiled at the two boys.

"How can I help you, gentlemen?" She asked sweetly.

"My friend and I would like to know how much is for that hand phaser in the case." Hiro said.  
Emily looked down at the glass case to look at the _Star Trek _hand phaser and chuckled.

"Sorry, Garfunkel." She replied. "We don't hock _Trek _here."

The boys looked at each other in confusion. Juliet and Gus were snickering to themselves while Shawn and Derek were grinning with conniving glee. Timmy just shook his head and looked at Emily.

"Well, Snow White, if you don't hock _Trek," _He asked. "Then why you have a hand phaser in your case?"

The rest of the gang stopped laughing and looked terrified. Calling Emily "Snow White" was that boy's fatal mistake. Even Derek knew better than to call her that. Emily just grinned at the two boys.

"Well, it actually belongs to my friend, Clyde. I'm just holding it for him until he visits me again from London. Until then, I just use it to psych out Trekkie bitches like yourselves and tell them to get the hell off of our land." And in that instant, Emily Prentiss' smile faded. "So get _the hell_ off our land."

The two boys started to back away towards the door as Emily's wrath was incurring upon them like booming thunder. Emily would've attacked the poor kids if Derek hadn't held her back.

"GET THE HELL OFF OUR LAND!" She shouted. "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! GET OUT OF HERE YOU KIRK-LOVING, SPOCK-SUCKERS!"

The teenagers quickly gathered their things and ran out the door, nearly bumping into Elle Greenaway and Carlton Lassiter in the process. Elle glanced outside before looking at Derek in question.

"What was all that about?" She asked.

"Just some Trekkies." Derek shrugged off. He looked at Emily, who was calming down from her outburst. "And you were worried about _me _causing a scene?"

"What? He called me 'Snow White.'" Emily reasoned.

Carlton chuckled. "Oh, the forbidden nickname."

There was a faint _Nanu _sound coming from Reid's computer laptop as he blew a kiss at the screen and closed it, ending his conversation with Rogue Leader. He looked up to see Elle and Carlton.

"Hey, guys." He greeted. "When did you get here?"

"Just a few minutes ago while you were in your little love fantasy world." Derek teased. "Welcome back, Pretty Boy." Reid just gave him a look.

"So, what brings you two by?" Emily asked.

"Well, I'm here to see if I can pawn off a Carlton Lassiter original comic." Elle said.

She pulled out a rough sketch of a comic book for everyone to see. They all gathered around the counter and stared in awe at the masterpiece before them.

"Carlton, this is awesome!" Juliet awed.

"Yeah, I'll say." Emily added. She glanced at the dialogue. "I didn't know you wrote as well."

"That's not me," Carlton said. "That was all Elle."

The gang looked at Elle in surprise. The young Latina just blushed. "I took creative writing at NYU." She explained.

"Well, well, well," Shawn said. "It looks like Lassie got himself a partner-in-crime. This is wicked awesome."

"You know that's right," Gus agreed. "You had some major sick skills back then. You should've stuck with this brother."

"Yeah, then I would've ended up broke and living in my mother's garage." Carlton laughed.

Emily gave Carlton a warring glare while Reid just put up a gesture signaling to stop talking. Shawn, Juliet and Gus just looked away. Derek was just glaring at Carlton. Hard.

"It's my Fortress of Solitude, Lassiter." He said in a low voice.

"I know, Derek." Carlton apologized. "I'm sorry."

"You know better, Lassie." Shawn reprimanded.

Carlton gave the younger man a look before pulling out a different piece of paper.

"Anyway, the real reason we came here is this." Carlton opened up the paper, revealing a map that drew a certain route from Virginia to California. Also drawn on that map were drawings of _Star Wars _characters. In particular, Han Solo, Luke Skywalker and Chewbacca chasing Darth Vader and some Storm Troopers. Emily grabbed the map and spread it on the counter for the rest to see.

"Is that what I think it is?" Juliet asked.

"This is the map we made from Quantico to Skywalker Ranch." Reid confirmed.

"Aww, look at Gus' kiddie drawings." Shawn teased.

"Those are _your _drawings, Shawn." Gus corrected.

Shawn looked at the doodles closer.

"Aw yeah, they are." He smiled.

"We haven't seen this in years, Carlton." Emily remarked. "What made you bring it out?"

"Well, I was cleaning up my attic when I came across this." Carlton replied. "Then I remembered us making this map in the 5th grade. JJ had it all planned out."

"What exactly are you getting at?"

"We storm the Ranch or die trying!"

There was a shocking, hushed silence amongst everyone. Not just because of the revelation of _actually _going through with their childhood plan but the fact that it was _Carlton Lassiter_, their usually logical and factual friend suggesting it. Elle noticed the tension and decided to say something to decrease the awkwardness.

"Is…something wrong?" She asked.

"Nothing's wrong, Ellie." Shawn assured. "We're just all completely floored that our pal, Lassie, would suggest something so…"

"Childish?" Juliet finished.

"Yeah. Thanks, Jules."

Carlton couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Oh, come on!" He scoffed. "You guys were all for this at the party last week."

"We were six Zimas to the wind at the party." Derek informed.

"Yeah, we were drunk." Reid agreed.

"Besides, we don't even have the floor plans or anything." Juliet said

"Wait, didn't Reid say that his online girlfriend, Rogue Leader, could hook us up with the floor plans?" Elle pointed out.

"We don't even know if Rogue Leader's legit." Derek said. "Reid's never even met him."

"_Her!"_ Reid emphasized. "_Him." _Shawn whispered.

"Well, maybe it's time they meet." Elle smiled.

"Look, you guys don't have anything important to plan except for Shawn and Juliet's wedding which is next summer." Carlton reasoned. "This is a perfect time for a road trip."

"A _suicide _road trip." Emily pointed out. "Besides, you were against this from the start. Why go through with it now?"

"For JJ."

That simple answer sealed the deal. Emily knew that JJ didn't have much time left on this world and she wanted to make sure her friend spent her last days the best way she knew how: like a Jedi. Even if it meant, breaking in George Lucas' coveted place and stealing a print of his new movie. The rest of the gang felt the same way.

* * *

**CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS**

* * *

Three or so hours later, everyone went to Jennifer Jareau's house to tell her about their childhood dream finally coming to fruition. The young blonde just laid there on her bed, contemplating the situation. She watched Carlton, Elle, Derek, Emily, Gus, Shawn, Juliet & Reid gaze in anticipation to make her decision. After shooting two PEZ candies in her mouth, JJ said one word: "No."

"No?" Her friends exclaimed in disbelief.

"You guys need hearing aids or something?"

"JJ, this is like the ultimate adventure!" Juliet declared.

"And it was your idea." Emily added. "It won't be the same without you."

JJ shrugged. "Well, I don't know what to tell you."

"Think about this, Jayje." Gus explained. "No one has _ever _attempted to do what we're about to do. We'll be famous."

"Our names will become legend," Reid envisioned. "Spoken in hushed tones by nerds all over the galaxy."

"And _we'll get laid!" _Derek sang, humping JJ's feet. "_More than we've ever been laid!" _

"Derek!" Reid & Gus exclaimed.

Emily held her head down in embarrassment. Shawn started laughing and Elle, Juliet & Carlton grimaced at the scene before them. JJ didn't do anything as Derek kept humping her feet. She just laid on her bed and took it for a good three minutes…until it got creepy.

"Derek, please stop." She said.

"Sorry, I was really getting into that." Derek chuckled nervously and stopped his humping. Emily just stared at Derek.

"Why don't you want to go?" Elle asked JJ. "I thought this was your dream?"

"It is, Elle." JJ replied. She stared at Carlton, who was wearing a red letterman's sweater and a green polo shirt. "I just don't want to go with Richie Cunningham over there."

Everyone turned to look at Carlton. "You do look like you stepped out of an episode of _Happy Days, _Lassie." Shawn pointed out.

"Shut up, Spencer." Carlton gritted. He cleared his throat as he took out a manila folder and tossed it to JJ. "Take a look at this, Jen."

JJ grabbed the folder from her lap and opened it. She couldn't make out what it was at first until she realized it was upside down. When she turned it right side up, JJ almost immediately figured out what it was and quickly sat up from her comfortable position on her bed.

"Floor plans to Lucas Ranch?" She said.

"Yeah it is, girl!" Shawn squealed.

"This is ridiculous, it's actually legit. How did you get these?"

"My life partner, Rogue Leader." Reid bragged. "She can hook us up."

"Question is," Emily challenged. "Do you have the 'girl balls' to go through with it?"

Juliet and Elle nodded in agreement. The men, with the exception of Carlton, were making funny faces and weird gestures. JJ looked at each of her friends, one by one for a good minute. When she got to Carlton, her gaze lingered.

"If I do this, it doesn't change anything between us." She told him.

Carlton nodded. "Alright."

JJ looked stared at him for few more minutes before looking at the rest of them. They were all looking at her waiting for an answer. JJ smiled to herself. _What the hell? _She thought. _I'm not going be alive long._

"I'll grab my suitcase, stash of dirty playing cards and some Big League Chew." She announced as she pounced off the bed.

"WHOO! YEAH!" The guys cheered their successes. Juliet and Reid hugged each other, Shawn and Gus did one of their fist bumps, Derek kissed both Emily and Elle on their cheeks and Carlton clapped his hands in triumph.

"See, I told you she'd go along with it." He said.

Emily nodded. "With a little persuasion, of course."

"Will you _stop humping, _Derek?" Reid exclaimed.

"What?" Derek shrugged.

"Why can't you hi-five, or do a handshake like normal people?"

"No, I rather hump!" Derek growled, humping Reid.

"Oh, God!" Reid groaned in agony. "Emily, get your boyfriend."

Juliet, Shawn & Elle started laughing. Emily just shook her head at her boyfriend.

"Okay, down boy." She admonished Derek, breaking him off of Reid.

* * *

That same night, everyone met up at Derek's house with their luggage getting ready for their ultimate adventure. Derek agreed to drive everyone since his van could hold all nine of them. JJ wanted Elle to come with them despite Carlton's hesitation. Everyone was waiting for Shawn and Juliet who were obviously making out. They arrived about a half hour past 7, clothes dishelved.

"Do we _want _to know?" Gus asked.

"Not really, man." Shawn replied, a huge grin on his face.

JJ shook her head and smiled. "You're gonna take the helm, Shawn?" She asked.

"Not this time, Jareau." Shawn said. "I'll leave it to someone else."

JJ and Reid looked at each other; they were both thinking the same thing.

"Chewie!" They both exclaimed.

"JJ said it first, Pretty Boy." Derek called it.

"YES!" JJ cheered.

"DAMN IT!" Reid cursed.

JJ skipped her way to the front seat as Reid put his stuff in the back. Carlton came up to the young man, confused about the entire situation.

"Wait a minute, Reid." He asked. "What the hell is 'Chewie'?"

"Chewie has the same rules that applies in 'Shotgun,'" Reid explained. "Either way, I always lose."

Carlton shrugged as he climbed into the van, sitting next to Elle near the left. Emily sat between Reid and Gus on the right and Shawn and Juliet had the back all to themselves. Derek turned on the ignition and it sputtered. Then he punched the hood, which sparked it to life. After that, Derek grabbed a box from his side and gave it to JJ.

"Furball, would you do the honors?" He asked, as he made his way to toward the highway.

"Certainly."

JJ opened the box with a key that was around her neck. The box was filled with _Star Wars _memorabilia, puzzles and stuff and a smaller box. JJ passed the box to the back.

"Enjoy, guys." She said.

Gus and Reid grabbed the box and started rummaging through it.

"What is it?" Elle asked.

"Our ammo for entertainment," Emily explained. "We keep _everything _in here." She gave the big box to Elle and the smaller box to Carlton.

Elle looked through the big box and saw that there was a mini-TV, a CD Player, crossword puzzles, rum bottles, dirty playing cards, a money bag, everything a road trip needs. Carlton looked in his box and found that there were some cassette tapes, concert recordings, mix tapes…all containing _one particular artist._

"What the hell, Morgan?" Carlton said. "This is all U2. You don't have anything else, maybe a little variety?"

"U2 _is _variety, bitch." Morgan said.

Suddenly, there was a massive feedback as Derek got on his ATV walkie-talkie. Everyone covered their ears and groaned.

"Okay, everyone." Derek said over the microphone. "I got only four ground rules for this van."

"Do we _have _to hear them?" Gus complained.

"Yes, Guster! So shut up and listen! Rule #1: In my van, it all U2. _All U2, all the time! _Only exceptions are Bon Jovi, and Earth, Wind & Fire."

Emily cleared her throat very loudly.

"And the occasional divas: Celine Dion, Madonna, Whitney Houston & Mariah Carey." Derek muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Thank you, honey." Emily smiled.

"Your welcome. Other than _those, no exceptions! _Rule #2: Nobody ever touches the red button." He said, pointing to the big red button shielded in a glass case. "I mean _never, ever touch the red button!"_

Shawn, Reid, & Gus were mocking Derek's every word. Juliet, Carlton & Emily were shaking their heads at his antics. JJ was giggling to herself and Elle was just confused.

"What's so special about the red button?" Elle whispered.

"Who knows, he won't tell us." Emily replied.

"Rule #3:," Derek continued. "Han & Leia aren't going to hyperspace, if you know what I mean."

"What?" Shawn complained.

"Come on, Derek." Juliet said at the same time.

"Hey, you have plenty of time to do that on your honeymoon." Derek said.

The future newlyweds sighed. "Okay."

"What's the last rule, babe?" Emily asked.

"Rule #4: The most _important _rule of all. There's _NO JERKING IT IN MY VAN!"_

Shawn & Gus snickered and Emily let out a gasp of surprise. The rest had no idea who Derek was referring to but they sure wanted to know.

"Who're you talking about, Morgan?" JJ asked.

"Oh, he knows, Dr. Happy." Derek replied, peering at Reid.

Everyone looked at the young doctor who hung his head down in embarrassment.

"Fine." Reid said.

Everybody started bursting out laughing. Reid just rolled his eyes.

"Don't you roll your eyes at me, Admiral Jackbar!" Derek said.

And with that, the gang exited the Virginia State Border on their way to Texas; one step closer to their ultimate dream.

* * *

**CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS**

* * *

Derek drove for three hours before stopping at a nearby diner in Tennessee to get something to eat at Sizzler's. There, they mapped out their route and looked up the Skywalker Ranch on Reid's Toughbook.

"_Established in 1978," _Reid read. "_Skywalker Ranch home to George Lucas' filmmaking empire. It's the headquarters of four of his main studios: __**LucasArts, Industrial Light & Magic, Lucasfilm & Skywalker Sound."**_

"Guys, check this out." Shawn observed. "This place has a 300-seat theater called 'The Stag.' This dude is loaded!"

"According to this, the rough cut to _Episode I_ should be in one of the screen rooms." Emily informed.

"So all we gotta do is get the blueprints and the access codes from Rogue Leader who lives in San Antonio." Elle added.

"So, 'White Chocolate' finally gets to meet his dream girl." JJ teased, nudging Reid's shoulder.

"Come on, son!" Gus cheered.

"Yeah, I know." Reid blushed. "My dreams are finally coming true."

"Well, it's approximately 12 hours to Texas," Carlton informed. "So, we gotta be making some leeway if we're going to make it by midday."

Derek picked his teeth with a toothpick, smiling casually. "Consider it done." He assured.

* * *

Everybody was fast asleep with the exception of Derek, of course because he was driving; and JJ. Lately, she found herself not sleeping very well these days. Not due to insomnia but the fear that if she closed her eyes, she would never open them again. She knew it was going to happen eventually but that still doesn't mean it scared her. JJ looked around at all of her friends when her gaze landed on Elle. Carlton's co-worker was wide-awake, scribbling something down on her notepad. She crawled over to her side, careful not to step over any of her friends in the process.

"Hey, Elle." She greeted.

Elle looked up from her notepad. "Hi, JJ." She smiled. "How are you feeling?"

"This is one of my good days, although sleeping isn't always easy. What are you drawing?"

"Actually, I'm writing some dialogue on this notepad."

Elle handed the notepad to the JJ so she can take a look at it. The younger woman looked at the doodles, which she recognized as Carlton's. It was two babies in a playpen. But what amazed her was the dialogue that went with it:

**Baby 1: Mom said the cost of Pampers went up $1.07! **

**Baby 2: Great, now it's back to the cheap brand. They always give me a rash!**

JJ laughed. "This is actually pretty good." She said. "You're a good writer, Elle. Why aren't you pursuing this?"

"Thanks for the complement." Elle said, taking back the notepad. "I just took up something to support myself."

"Is that you or Lassiter talking?"

"Carlton doesn't run my life. Truth is, I work in accounting to support my mom, grandmother, and my three younger siblings."

JJ lowered her head, suddenly feeling guilty. "Sorry, I didn't know."

Elle just shrugged it off. "Don't worry about it. What's the deal with you two anyway?"

"We had a falling out." JJ replied.

"Must've been a really big falling out for you to go four years without speaking."

JJ looked at Elle before saying her innermost secret. "I was in love with him." She revealed.

Elle's eyes immediately widened. "Oh my God." She gazed at Carlton, who was sleeping on a blanket. "Did you tell him?"

"I was going to when we graduated and/or we started our first comic together," JJ explained. "But Carlton got excepted to NYU and he was all set on going. I was happy for him but I was scared that I was going to lose him. Three days before graduation, we had this big fight and…well, let's just say we haven't been the same since."

"Well, you can tell him now." Elle coaxed.

JJ shook her head. "It's too late," She accepted. "I'm dying in less than three months and Carlton's already in love with someone else."

"He is?"

"Have you _seen _the way he looks at you?"

Elle was speechless. "Uh…well…I…" She stuttered. "Carlton's my best friend."

"Who invited you to meet his childhood friends and they already love you." JJ reasoned. "And so do I. So if you want my advice: stop stalling and go for it."

JJ patted Elle on the shoulder and returned to her sleeping spot, leaving the Latina woman to ponder on their conversation.

Meanwhile, Derek was looking at the map to figure out where to go from here. He was heading out of Tennessee but he realized that they weren't too far away from Iowa. Derek chuckled evilly and turned to Shawn who was sleeping in the front seat.

"Shawn!" He threw an empty soda can at his face.

The younger man jolted awake and glared at his friend.

"Damn it, Morgan. I was having a good dream."

"Yeah, you can get back to your fantasy about Jules later." Derek announced. "There's gonna be a change of plans."

"Change of plans?" Shawn repeated, suddenly worried. "We're not going to Texas?"

"Don't worry we're still going to Texas," Derek reassured. "We're just taking a _little _detour to Iowa."

Shawn's worried expression suddenly changed into pure excitement.

"You know what's there in Iowa, don't ya?" Derek grinned.

"Trekkies." Shawn smiled widely.

"You wanna knock some out?"

"Hell, yeah!"

The two boys did a fist bump and Derek made his drive to Iowa: Home of those freaking Trekkies.

* * *

_**Next Chapter: It's FANBOYS vs. TREKKIES! DEREK MORGAN vs. SHELDON COOPER! Who will triumph? Just know this: NO ONE calls Han Solo a Bitch!**_


	5. NO ONE Calls Han Solo A Bitch!

**__****Author's Note:****__****__**** Hey Guys! Zabe Rogue here! Sorry, I've AWOL these past couple months...I've been down in the dumps lately. And I haven't been the best person to you fellow CM authors and I'm sorry. I have the upmost respect for you guys. But I PROMISE, I WILL TRY to update my stories as best I can. But to my readers who love Criminal Fanboys, Detectives Got Brains, and The Great Gatsby Algérnon,  I thank you for the bottom of my heart. And I will try to keep it going for you guys. And I have new projects coming so, be on the lookout. Anyway, don't forget to vote for the other awesome stories for this year's Profiler's Choice Awards. **

**__****Now without any further adieu, enjoy this latest chapter of CRIMINAL FANBOYS!**

* * *

**__****NO ONE Calls Han Solo a Bitch!**

There was nothing but cornfields and barnyards for miles and miles down the highway. That's when Derek Morgan knew he stepped into the threshold of Trekkies. He turned to Shawn Spencer and shook him awake.

"What, man!" Shawn groaned.

"We're here, Shawn." Derek declared.

Shawn immediately sat up to look out his window. He saw the many cornfields and the cars with the Iowa state license plate. His eyes sparkled in anticipation.

"We have arrived, haven't we?"

Derek nodded, handing Shawn the microphone. "Would you like to do the honors?"

Shawn took the microphone, excitement crawling in his veins. When he turned it on, the feedback was so loud, it woke everyone in the van up. There was yawning and irritable groaning as Shawn spoke.

"Wakey, wakey. Hands off snakey!" He sang. "It's time for Morgan & Shawn's Pit Stop."

"Pit Stop?" JJ Jareau asked, sleepily. "Where are we?"

"Well, some like to call it heaven," Derek explained. "But I like to call it Iowa."

"What?!" Burton Guster and Juliet O'Hara exclaimed at the same time.

"Iowa?" Spencer Reid whined. "But what about Rogue Leader?"

"Why are we in Iowa?" Elle Greenaway asked.

"That's what _I _would like to know, Derek Morgan!" Emily Prentiss snapped fiercely, "We're supposed to be going to Texas."

"We _are _going to Texas, woman!" Derek rolled his eyes and started to speak into the microphone. "Welcome to Iowa, ladies and gents," He announced. "Future birthplace of one Captain James T. Kirk!"

"Enemy Territory! Nice!" JJ cheered as she rushed towards the front of the van, punching Gus' arm in the process.

Carlton Lassiter shook his head in disbelief. "You drove _all night _for this?" He asked.

"Man, I'll drive _all year _for a chance to bitch-slap some Trekkies." Derek replied.

"You know what? Leave me _out of this." _

"I'm with Carlton," Juliet agreed.

Shawn feigned a heart attack. "Jules?" He whined. "I thought this would be our chance to bond before the wedding?"

"I don't want to pick a random fight with Trekkies. I want to see _The Phantom Menace!"_

"Well, that's okay because I have Gus to back me up."

Gus gave Shawn a look, "No, you don't."

_"Et tu, Burton?"_

"I'm not going get beat up by some rednecks, Shawn." Gus said.

"Why does it always have to be the race card with you?" Derek asked. He looked at the others through his rearview mirror. "Do _anybody else _wish to bail out? Speak now or forever hold your peace."

The van was dead silent, silent that you can hear the sound of crickets chirping in the background. (If there were any) Then Elle spoke up.

"I'll go with you guys." She said.

Carlton looked at his friend in shock, "Are you serious, Elle?"

"It sounds like fun beating up Trekkies," Elle smiled. "I never liked them anyway."

"Suit yourself, then." Carlton shrugged.

"That's my girl, _chica." _Shawn cheered. "Joining the Rebellion!"

"I'll go too," Emily decided. "Just so I can keep an eye on you, Derek."

"Come on, Princess." Derek coaxed. "You know you want to beat up some Trekkies, too."

Emily smiled a little. "Yeah, pretty much."

"Are we still going to Texas?" Reid asked, rather childishly.

"Yes, Reid!" Shawn said. "We're still going to meet your imaginary girlfriend, now do you want to beat up Trekkies or not?!"

"Of course, I do! I was just wondering."

Derek shook his head and turned to JJ. "How about you, Jayje?"

The blonde woman said nothing. She simply flashed a conniving smile and it was enough for Derek Morgan.

"LET'S CRACK SOME TREKKIE SKULLS!" He rallied.

"Yeah!" Shawn cheered.

"Let's do it!" JJ added.

So the gang took a detour to Iowa for a Trekkie showdown.

* * *

**CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS**

* * *

Nothing pissed off the Fanboys more than the stench of Trekkies. To go to a place where it wreaked of them, was the icing of any cake. It turns out that a small town was dedicating a statue, commemorating Jim Kirk's defeat against Khan. Derek and Shawn thought it would be the perfect opportunity. They, along with Elle, JJ, Reid, and Emily were standing in front of a crowd of 80 Trekkies. A tall, lanky man dressed in a yellow Starfleet uniform stood in front of the statue. Four other kids dressed as a Vulcan, Android, Klingon and a sexy Betazoid accompanied him. The man was rambling on about the great battle between Kirk and Khan. Derek and Shawn looked at each other, portraying looks of sheer girls looked just as droned as the boys did. Reid, on the other hand looked neither interested nor bored. He was just in his own world.

"Dude, this is absolute torture!" Shawn groaned.

"I don't understand why people are so in to this stuff," Elle said.

"I know, just hearing him makes me _want _to put up with Reid's statistics," Emily added.

"I'm standing right here!" Reid hissed.

"They know, Pretty Boy." Derek laughed.

Suddenly, Derek found himself face to face with the skinny officer. His face showed no expression but his tone was rather unpleasant.

"I'm sorry, did I say something amusing?" He asked.

Derek looked at the guy in question, "Excuse me?"

"You laughed in the middle of my speech," The man explained. "So obviously you found something amusing about the grueling contest between the two most iconic rivals in science fiction history. I would like to know what it is."

"I was just talking with my friend about something. Didn't mean to interrupt, Captain."

"It's _Admiral Sheldon Cooper," _Sheldon remarked pointing to the pips on his uniform. "Respect the ranks."

Derek made a subtle face while Shawn and Emily snickered. Sheldon proceeded to resume his speech when he turned to the Android officer next to him.

"Leonard , she's standing in my spot." Sheldon said, pointing at JJ.

JJ stared at Sheldon like he was mentally insane. "What?!"

"It's nothing personal against you," Leonard explained. "Sheldon's very particular about… everything."

"What's so great about this one spot?" JJ asked.

Leonard groaned along with the people behind him. Sheldon chose to ignore the remarks and answer his inquiring visitor.

"The onslaught of WPH points at a degree of 45 miles west making the cold air bearable to my dry skin," He explained. "Also, the sun is pointing eastward, which is of average sunlight. And there're no flying vermin to distract my speech, therefore presently calling this my spot."

"Sorry I asked," JJ muttered.

"And you guys think _I'm _toosmart for my own good," Reid said.

"Reid, this guy is the Dr. Doom to your Mr. Fantastic," Shawn remarked.

"Sheldon!" The Betazoid girl whined, "Can we please get on with the ceremony? I got things to do."

"In a minute, Penny," Sheldon turned back to JJ. "Do you mind taking three steps back please?"

JJ looked at her friends before taking three steps back. Sheldon gave a half-smile before addressing the very anticipating crowd:

"And so, in celebration of the annivsary of this momentous occasion," He began. "We dedicate this statue of the great Captain James Tiberius Kirk fighting with his archnemisis."

"Ricardo Montalbán?" Reid asked.

"No, the genetically engineered tyrant known as Khan."

"It doesn't look anything like them," Shawn laughed.

"Thank you for pointing that out," Sheldon explained. "That's because the whores at Viacom International threatened to sue us if we used the characters' likeness in any way, so we make do. Are there any questions?"

Emily Prentiss raised her hand with a quickness and Sheldon pointed at her.

"Yes, the lady in the rather revealing purple shirt."

Emily looked at her shirt. "This shirt isn't revealing."

"If you say so, however you'll be singing in a different tune when my Born-Again Christian mother has a say in it. What is your inquiry?"

Dismissing the previous conversation, Emily went on with her question.

"What did Sulu find in Captain Kirk's lavatory on the _Enterprise?_" She asked.

"It was a Z9-237 Refuse Device," Sheldon replied.

"I believe it was a Captain's Log."

The guys busted out laughing at Emily's answer with Derek and Shawn laughing the hardest. The "Lead Trekkies" were rolling their eyes while Sheldon just shook his head.

"Amusing little joke, yet very predictable," He said. "An apple a day keeps the doctor away everyone, we've been saved. Does anybody else have any questions?"

Derek raised his hand enthusiastically, "Pick me! Pick me!" He said, gleefully.

Sheldon ignored him, "Anyone?"

Derek continued to raise his hand like a 2nd grade child and Shawn and JJ accompanied him with his childish antics. Sheldon tried to ignore him but his efforts were beginning to be futile.

"There're homeless out there, people."

"Pick me, pick me!" Derek continued, raising his hand.

"Pick him, pick him!" Shawn added.

"Yes! Yes!" Sheldon caved in. "What do you want?!"

"What's the Klingon translation for 'You're Gonna Die A Virgin?'" Derek asked.

"_Rak Mak Cak–_

"He's making fun of you, Sheldon." Leonard told him.

Sheldon looked at Derek with narrowed eyes as he walked up to him and unzipped his jacket, revealing a _Star Wars _T-Shirt. All of the Trekkies muttered in disdain.

"Just as I suspected, unwelcome guests," Sheldon said. "More Lucas Hounds to mock Roddenberry. Well, I would like to see your Darth Vader take on _one _Borg Drone and we'll see who's laughing then."

"_One Borg Drone?!" _Reid exclaimed. "Vader can put the _entire Borg Collective _in a vice grip _with his mind!"_

"Uh, Darth Vader has asthma," Sheldon argued. "So name me one _Star Trek _character with a respiratory disease because I'm drawing a blank."

"Name me one _Star Wars _character who's gay," Emily countered.

"Yeah," Reid and JJ agreed.

"Besides you," Shawn added.

"No one is gay in _Star Trek _so why would I even dignify that with a response?"

"Captain Jean-Luc Picard?" Elle said.

"Good one, Greenaway." Shawn complemented.

"Thank you, Spencer."

"Okay, Captain Picard's not gay," Sheldon argued. "He's British."

"I thought he was French," The Klingon Officer pointed out.

"The Admiral is talking here, Raj," Sheldon objected.

"French or not, Picard _was_ gay," JJ said.

"And on what basis do you make that assumption?"

"Come on, seriously?" Emily laughed. She did a flamboyant expression of Jean-Luc Picard. _"Engage." _

"_Make It So," _Reid imitated.

"Ahh Ahhh!" Derek sang.

"They actually have a point," Penny said.

"Leonard, you're girlfriend is siding with the enemy." Sheldon whined.

"Sheldon, he calls Commander Riker 'Number One,'" Penny said. "Do you see anything gay about that?"

"It's just an expression between friends. However, I hate to break it to you, Fanboy losers, but Han Solo is a bitch."

Emily, Reid, JJ and Elle were shocked and appalled by that shocking remark. Shawn and Derek on the other hand, were pissed beyond all reason. They came up to Sheldon, wanting to fight.

"Say what now?" Derek countered.

"Yeah, we didn't quite get that," Shawn added.

Suddenly, the Lead Trekkies gathered around Sheldon, ganging up on Shawn and Derek. The crowd suddenly formed a large circle surrounding the Fanboys. Reid and the girls instantly feared for their lives. Derek and Shawn, on the other hand, stood their ground. The Vulcan Officer, Howard Wolowitz stepped forward. He had Jewish features and was a lot shorter than Sheldon.

"Is there a problem here, gentlemen?" He asked.

"There sure is, Spock," Derek said. "The Admiral here just called Han Solo a bitch."

"Good one, Sheldon." Howard commended.

"Well, it's pretty strong words for a Trekkie," Shawn said.

"Okay, 'Trekkie' is derogatory at this point in the game," Sheldon pointed out. " '_Trekker' _is what we're called now. _Trekker!"_

"Oh, Morgan. We offended them." Shawn teased.

"We are so sorry, we didn't mean…_Trekkie!" _Derek countered.

Sheldon simply smiled as he took out a medium-sized scanner around his neck, scanning Derek and Shawn.

"Well, let's take a look-see here," He muttered.

"What's with the man-purse?" Derek asked.

"Just as I suspected," Sheldon said. "Scanner reads douchebags."

The Trekkies behind him started laughing. Derek was laughing along with them as a taunt; then he pushed Sheldon hard.

Everyone fell silent. Sheldon gave Derek a death glare before he pushed him even harder. Shawn caught his friend before he could fall and gave the Trekkies a feral expression. Elle, Emily, JJ and Reid had terrified looks on their faces. It was about to be a showdown.

* * *

"Hey, Carlton, can you toss the hot sauce back here?"

Carlton opened the glove compartment and took out the Tabasco sauce. He tossed it to Gus who was in the back, eating a breakfast burrito they got from a nearby convenient store.

"I wonder what's taking them so long?" Juliet asked.

"Who knows?" Carlton shrugged. "I just hope they haven't done anything stupid."

Juliet nodded, looking out of the window when she saw something very horrifyingly stupid.

"I wouldn't count on it just yet, Carlton."

Carlton followed Juliet's gaze to her fiancé and his best friend getting in a fistfight with two Trekkies.

_PUSH ME AND I'LL KILL YOU'RE WHOLE FREAKING STARFLEET! _Shawn shouted.

"Unbelievable!" Carlton exclaimed. He quickly started the van, to get his friends out of this mess.

* * *

For a skinny dude, Sheldon knew how to fight. He was from Texas after all. He was roughhousing Derek Morgan to the ground.

"Derek!" Emily exclaimed. She rushed forward to help her boyfriend. "Reid, JJ, cover me!" She lounged forward and started to get Derek off of Sheldon.

Shawn expression grew feral as he took two wooden sticks, acting like he was Wolverine.

"Snikt, snikt," He shouted. "Come on, bub!"

"Attack, you cowards! That's an order!" Sheldon barked.

* * *

Soon, the whole crowd wanted to beat down the only six Fanboys in town. However, the small band of misfits weren't going to cower so easily. As soon as he saw 10 Trekkies run up to him, Shawn did a nose-dive into the crowd striking them like bolwing pins. JJ and Wolowitz were wrestling but it wasn't a really fair fight seeing that the blonde girl had the upper hand over the small Jewish Vulcan. JJ tackled Wolowitz to the ground and, like a feral beast, bit off his fake Vulcan ear and spat it out.

"My ear!" Wolowitz cried.

* * *

Derek and Sheldon were still roughhousing, however, the muscular man was still aware of his surroundings. Derek noticed a skinny white guy dressed as an Cardassian come at him with a large toy phaser and he punched him in the face.

"Ow!" The man cried.

"Beam this, bitch!" Derek said. He punched the man in the balls.

Raj the Klingon was initially going to fight Elle but real life experiences has prevented him to talk to a beautiful strange woman, much less fight them. So he was frozen like a statue. Elle saw this as an oppurntunity and smiled.

"I thought Klingons are warriors?" She asked.

"We-we are," Raj stuttered.

"In bed too?"

"Uh…"

Elle came over to Raj and whispered in his ear, "Why don't you show me?"

The Klingon fainted on the spot.

"For Pete's sakes, Raj!" Sheldon exclaimed. "She's a woman, not the Borg Queen."

* * *

Leonard was contending with Reid and it was pretty much an even match. Until Leonard got a big staff of some kind and started swinging at Reid. Reid jumped each time Leonard would swing at him. If Leonard would swing right, he jumped left. If he swung left, he'd jump right. This went on for a good 20 seconds then Leonard chose a different tactic: punch Reid in the stomach with it. The wind (and his glasses) was knocked out of the skinnier man and he fell to the ground. Emily, on the other hand wasn't fighting at all. She was standing on the sidelines talking with Penny.

"So which one of these idiots is yours?" She asked her.

Penny pointed to Leonard, "The one kicking the poor kid looking for his glasses. How about you?"

"The big guy beating up the Admiral. So, you like _Trek?"_

"_Star Trek, Star Wars, _they're all the same to me," Penny shrugged. "I'm more of an anime/comic book girl."

"Hey, I won't hold that against you. You have to support your guy"–Emily eyed Penny's high-heeled navy boots–"Those are some cute boots. Where'd you get those?"

"You like? I got them 50% off at Payless."

"Get out!"

"No, I'm serious. Payless does these 'Buy One Get One' deals now where you buy one item and get one half off. I got pink high heels for $20.00."

"I should go there."

Their converstation was interrupted by Reid's girlish scream.

"Time out!" He cried. "I call time out!"

"Leonard, honey, put him down." Penny said. "He called 'time out.'"

* * *

Suddenly, a loud Wookie cry alarmed everyone. Derek looked around and saw Carlton driving in the van, coming to the rescue. Derek punched Sheldon in the face before racing towards the van.

Juliet quickly opened the door, "Come on. Get in, get in!" She urged.

Shawn quickly ran to the van, "You're my girl knight in shining armor, Jules."

"Whatever, Shawn. I told you it was a bad idea."

Carlton rushed towards Elle and JJ, effectively taking them out of harm's way.

"Hurry up, get in the van!" He said. To Emily, he called: "Emily, grab Reid and let's go!"

"Disable the vehicle! Disable the vehicle!" Sheldon ordered. "Kill the Staroids!"

Witnessing the hostile Trekkies rushing towards the van, Emily realized that it was her cue to leave. "So it was nice talking to you," She told Penny. "Look me up whenever you're in Virginia."

"Awesome, I'll do that." Penny smiled.

Emily picked Reid off the floor and ran to the van, with a little help from Shawn and Gus.

"Is everybody here?" Derek asked.

"Yeah, we're all accounted for," Carlton replied. "Now, let's get the hell out of here!"

Not allowing any hesitation, Derek stepped on the gas and floored the van, immediately dispersing the crowd that was in front of it. As the van was fleeing from the angry Trekkie mob, a certain Admiral still had a few parting words for his unwelcomed guests.

"HAN SOLO IS _STILL _A BITCH!" Sheldon shouted.

The van went to a complete, sudden halt.

"No one calls Han Solo a bitch," Derek Morgan said in a low voice.

He put the car in reverse and driving it all the way to the Kirk vs. Khan statue. The Trekkies that were protecting it immediately moved out of the way. And with one forceful rear-end, Derek smashed that statue to a million pieces.

"That was awesome, Morgan!" Shawn cheered.

"I know, man." Derek smiled.

He put the van in forward, making his way to the highway. The kids could see angry Trekkies running after them through the window but couldn't quite catch up to them. JJ had an idea.

"Hey Lassie, Elle," She told them. "Hit 'em with the 'Pressed Ham'!"

Elle and Carlton looked at each other and smiled, both knowing full well what JJ was talking about. They pulled their pants down and mooned the Trekkies through the two rear windows.

"Klingon to _these!" _Carlton sneered.

"Yeah, prosper it!" Elle shouted.

They both laughed manically.

* * *

Sheldon Cooper kneeled before the stone head of Khan, picked it up and kissed it. He swore on all of the particles of this universe, those cursed Fanboys would pay.

"KHHHHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNN–Sheldon paused his screaming to breathe in his inhaler–ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!"

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the van, the gang were laughing and cheering about their near-death experience and victory they had over the Trekkies.

"That was _so epic!" _Elle said.

"I know, right?" Shawn agreed. "You should've been there, Gus."

"And gotten my ass kicked like Morgan?" Gus scoffed. "I'll pass."

"Please, Gus. You should've seen me," Morgan bragged. "I took down that Admiral hard! I threw him on the ground like he was my freaking tauntaun!"

"Tauntaun, _my ass!" _Carlton retorted. "If it wasn't for me and Jules, you all would've been dead."

"I handled my own pretty well, Carlton." Elle argued. "That Klingon didn't even stand a chance."

"And what battle did you see?" Reid added. "I was channeling the Emperor."

"Yeah, I don't think the Emperor ever crapped in his robe and screamed 'Time Out,' Reid," Emily pointed out.

"Oh my God, that's right!" Juliet laughed.

"What?!" Reid pouted. "There _is _such a thing as a time out."

"Come join the Dark Side, young Skywalker," Shawn teased, doing an impression of Emperor Palpatine. "I can feel your anger burning inside…no wait, wait, time out."

Everyone was laughing and carrying on until they heard a loud BANG, like a gun going off. Suddenly, the van was swerving in all different kinds of directions. Everyone started to panic.

"Derek, what's going on?" Emily asked.

"I don't really want to know right now," Derek replied, trying to get the van back in control.

He finally got it back in control but the van ended up landing in a roadside ditch.

"I think one of the tires are busted," Juliet said.

"Okay," Derek said. "Now, I call a time-out."

"Told you there was such a thing as time-out," Reid smiled.

"SHUT UP, REID!" Everybody groaned.

* * *

_**Next Chapter: When your van is busted and you're stuck in a scum bar. Who you're gonna call? CHIEF ROSSI! And he's got a special surprise for the Fanboys! ;)**_

_**REID AND REVIEW!**_


	6. Chief Rossi

_**Zabe Rogue UPDATE: **__**Here's the deal, guys! School's been crazy! I've just barely dish this out tonight. But I've made a schedule to hopefully manage my writing. So, you'll have another update for Detectives Got Brains  soon, another chapter of Fanboys,  AND a new Criminal Minds story! Hopefully before the Christmas Week. Until then enjoy another hilarious chapter of Criminal Fanboys!**_

* * *

_**Chief Rossi**_

* * *

Hours passed. As day descended into night, the young adults were walking for what seemed like eons to whatever rest stop they can find. Finally, Shawn Spencer couldn't walk anymore.

"Guys, let's take a breather," He panted. "I'm getting tired."

"That's because your fiancée's been riding on your back like a pony," Burton Guster laughed.

Juliet O'Hara frowned at him. "I've been on Shawn's back for only 15 minutes!"

"I think it's time you got off," Elle Greenaway suggested. "Shawn looks like he's about to pass out.

Juliet thought about it. "Alright, I'll get off." She climbed down Shawn's back and started to walk the rest of the way. Shawn had a look of relief on his face. "Now, can I ride on anyone of your backs?" He asked.

"NO!" Everyone replied.

"Okay, no need for all the attitude."

Carlton Lassiter shook his head in cynical amusement. "We _had _to take your van, Morgan." He said.

"Carlton, not now," Emily Prentiss warned.

"What, Emily? I had access to nearly _hundreds _of vehicles, but no. We just had to take you're boyfriend's _Falcon."_

"Look, I had a spare tire," Derek Morgan explained. "But some _retard _took it out to make room for his grappling hook."

"Who, Reid?" Juliet asked.

Spencer Reid frowned at Juliet. "Why would I own a grappling hook, Jules? I have no use for it."

"It seems like something you would do."

"I meant your fiancé's best man," Derek clarified, looking at Gus.

Gus looked shocked as if there wasn't a logic to his action. "It's a covert operation!" He exclaimed. "How're we supposed to do a covert operation without a grappling hook?"

"Gus, don't be the Black Tom Cruise," Shawn admonished. "This isn't _Mission Impossible."_

"You _wish _you were Tom Cruise," Gus said.

"I wish we had money like Tom Cruise," Derek said.

"Will you _stop talking about Tom Cruise?!" _Emily exclaimed.

"Yeah, how did we get on him?" Reid asked.

Suddenly, JJ Jareau saw something that prompted her to halt all pointless conversation.

"Guys, stop talking and look!" She said, pointing to a shady bar down the road. "What in Greedo's name is that?"

Everyone looked in JJ's direction and saw the bar.

"Well, it doesn't look like a long walk," Carlton observed. "Let's see if we can get some help."

"I don't know, Carlton," Elle said. "The place looks scary."

"It's just a bar. What could go wrong?"

* * *

**CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS**

* * *

After walking for another fifteen minutes, the gang arrived at the bar…. and it was filled with rough looking men (and women). Everyone turned around to stare at the straight-laced group of young travelers. Reid looked at the attendees with a nervous stare. Derek just snickered to himself.

"This has got to be the worst kind of scum for sure," He whispered to Carlton.

"I know," Carlton agreed. He spotted a Korean bartender cleaning the glasses. The man's face showed no expression or demeanor. Carlton thought that he'll be a little easier to talk to.

"Don't worry guys, I'll take care of this." He volunteered as he walked his way up to the bartender.

"Go get him, Lassie." Shawn cheered. He turned to Gus. "He's dead vulture meat."

"You know that's right," Gus agreed.

Kimball Cho looked up from his work to see Carlton walking towards him. He paused briefly to see what this scrawny little boy wanted.

"Excuse me…uh…? Carlton stammered.

"It's Kimball. What do you want?"

Shawn snickered in the back. "What kind of a name is 'Kimball' for a Chinese guy?" He laughed.

Kimball stared at Shawn. "It's a family name." He sneered.

"And it suits you very well," Shawn corrected.

"Shawn, just stop talking." Juliet warned.

Carlton shook his head and went back to his conversation with Kimball.

"Anyway, our car broke down some miles down the road," He began. "Do you have a spare tire or some jumper cable?"

"Do we look like a Jiffy Lube?"

"Well, do you have a phone so we can call Triple A or something?"

Kimball said nothing for a moment. Then he whistled to the back. A few minutes later, a young Caucasian man with jet-black hair, icy blue eyes and a devilish smile came up to the bar. He looked at Kimball in a lustful way, which made Carlton a little uncomfortable…as did everyone else.

"These little kids bothering you, Kim?" The man asked.

"They just need a little help, Damon," Kimball replied.

Damon Salvadore looked up and down at Carlton. "Well, our car broke down and we were wondering if we could use your phone to call for help?"

"No," Damon simply replied.

Carlton was about to retort when he heard JJ coughing in the background. He turned around to see Elle and Emily comforting the blonde girl from her recent coughing fit.

"Are you alright?" He asked concerned.

"Can I have some water?" JJ asked in a croaky voice.

"Yeah, can I have a glass of water for my friend?" Carlton asked.

"Sure," Damon said.

He took a glass from Kimball, filled it up with tap water and held it up to Carlton.

"Thank you," the young man said, thinking he was going to give it to him. Instead, Damon took a _long _sip and smiled, his pearly whites showing. Everyone in the bar started laughing. Carlton made a grimace before turning back to JJ.

"Vampire teeth," He whispered to her. "Vampire teeth, don't. Don't drink it."

"Okay, thanks." JJ nodded.

"That'll be 100 bucks," Kimball stated.

Carlton looked at the two men as if they were crazy. Well, they probably were but that was beside the point.

"$100 for a glass of water, that's ridiculous! I'm not going to pay for that."

"Yeah, you are." Damon said simply.

Derek and Shawn just saw their friend looking dumbfounded and they finally had enough of it.

"Oh, _hell no!" _Derek spoke up, coming up to the bar.

Shawn came up as well, "We got this, Lassie." He said.

"I'm so relieved," Carlton said, sarcastically.

Reid, Gus and the girls looked on like this was going to be another disaster. Question was, which of the two idiots were going to cause it? Then Elle noticed something…rather disturbing.

"Did anyone notice that sign before?" She asked.

The gang glanced at Elle's direction and noticed the name of the bar and the graphic sign.

"Oh, shit." Emily cursed.

Carlton turned to Emily, hearing her curse. She pointed at the sign and his blue eyes went wide with fear. But Shawn and Derek were already on their rampage.

"Word to the wise, Jean Claude Van Damme and Jackie Chan," Shawn threatened. "You best drop those 'tough-ass biker boys' routine before my friend gets angry."

"And you wouldn't like me when I'm angry," Derek added.

"I think we will like that," Damon said. He turned to Kimball. "Don't you agree, Kim?"

"Oh yeah," Kimball agreed, smiling. "We would like that very much."

Carlton knew that this was heading in a very bad direction.

"Guys, let's not do this," He warned.

"I agree, Derek." Emily said. "Quit while you and Shawn are ahead."

"I'm just getting started," Derek said. "These punks want to dick with us, fine. We can dick."

Damon and Kimball said nothing. They just stared at Derek and Shawn with lust in their eyes.

"You know I used to rape guys 15 times your size in prison," Shawn bragged.

"They call him Nasty." Derek added.

_"What?" _

Emily and Juliet put their heads down in embarrassment. Everyone else just couldn't say anything.

"So you best back off," Shawn said. "Or so help me, God, we will pound both your asses to the ground so hard…"

"Oh Jesus," Reid muttered.

"SHAWN SPENCER AND DEREK MORGAN!" Juliet shouted.

WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP?!" Emily added.

"What is it with you two?" Shawn whined.

"Can't you see we're handling things?" Derek said.

Emily just looked at her boyfriend.

"They have a saying here at this bar, guys." Gus said, pointing to the sign.

"I think you should refrain from using any threats of bodily harm," JJ added.

Shawn scoffed until he saw the sign Gus was talking about:

_**THE MAN-TINA:**_

_**Home of Every Fabulous Biker Boy and Girl Inside and Out!**_

"Dude, I think we should 'ix-nay' on the ass-pounding," Shawn whispered to Derek.

"Give me one good reason," Derek said.

"They're biker boys from the Village People."

Derek Morgan's eyes nearly bulged out of his sockets as he looked at certain bikers giving him flirtatious looks and blowing kisses. He turned back to Damon and Kimball, who were both grinning from ear to ear. Not to mention, they had their arms around each other.

"$100?" Derek squeaked. "That's sounds reasonable, we can do that."

He and Shawn turned to leave when a strong pair of hands stopped them in their tracks. Seeing the look on their friends' faces, it wasn't good. The boys looked up to see a heavyset Hispanic man, grinning evilly.

"I'm afraid it's to late for that, Denzel Washington and Jim Carrey." He said.

"Wow, you used _those _celebrities?" Gus said.

"Yeah, I would've used like Adam Sandler and Eddie Murphy," Elle added.

"I don't look _nothing _like Eddie Murphy!" Derek objected.

"Shut up!" Kimball said. "Hurley's about to talk."

"Thank you, Cho." Hurley said. He dragged the two boys near the stage. "Our midnight entertainment bailed and we need a replacement."

"What, you want us to sing or something?" Shawn asked.

Damon laughed. "You're cute. We want you to strut your stuff." He looked at the rest of the gang. _"All of you."_

Derek and Shawn looked at each other, regretting every decision that led to this point. The girls had terrified looks on their faces. Gus felt exposed and Carlton wanted to beat Derek and Shawn senseless. Reid was clueless.

"What do you mean by that exactly?" He asked.

Everybody looked at the young genius like he was stupid. JJ stepped beside Reid to defend him.

"He doesn't get out much," She told everyone. To Reid, she whispered: "They mean we have to strip for them."

"What?!" Reid squeaked. "Even the girls?"

"Normally, we wouldn't but our lesbian bikers haven't seen girl action in 2 months," Damon reasoned. "Nothing personal."

"Of course," Emily rolled her eyes.

"So, _amigos," _Hurley smiled. "Time to pay for that drink."

Before anyone knew it, there were flashing lights, an audience, and nine embarrassed young people center stage.

* * *

"Oh my God," Reid cried. "We're gonna die out here, are we?"

"Just give them what they want and no one gets hurt," Emily assured.

"I don't want these homo roughnecks seeing the 'Gus Magic'," Gus gritted. "This is all your boyfriend's fault."

"How was I supposed to know they were gay?!" Derek whispered angrily.

"Come on, Morgan!" Carlton argued. "Dracula over there was practically undressing you and Spencer with his eyes."

"Hey!" Damon called. "Less talking, more stripping. People are expecting a show."

The kids were slowly dancing and getting undressed when they heard a certain song from a certain girl group come on the radio.

"Is that 'Wannabe'?" Shawn asked.

"Really, _Spice Girls?!"_ JJ said, appalled."We gotta strip to _the freaking Spice Girls?!"_

Hurley broke an empty beer bottle. "You got a problem with Spice Girls?!" He asked JJ, pointing the glass at her.

"No." JJ squeaked.

"Then take it off!"

JJ immediately took off her brown T-Shirt and started dancing around. The rest started to follow slowly suit, until someone hit Shawn in the face with a beer bottle.

"Oh my God, Shawn!" Juliet cried. But her fiancé wasn't intimidated.

"That's it!" He declared. "No one puts Baby in a corner!"

"Yeah, you tell them, Shawn!" Derek cheered.

Shawn went up to the front of the audience and started to gyrate.

"You want some Swayze action, bitches?" He sang.

The bikers were cheering, whooping and throwing money on the stage. Emily and Elle were doing a sexy dance together which made all the lesbians go crazy. Reid took off his trousers so he was down to just his white briefs. Then he took a sock out of his underwear and threw it at the audience. One biker caught it and shrieked with delight.

Derek was dancing shirtless, which everyone seemed to be more than satisfied with but of course they wanted more.

"Take it off!" Kimball cheered. "Take it off!"  
"You want me to take it off?" Derek coxed.

The bikers cheered their praises while Emily's eyes grew wide with fear.

"I'm gonna take it off," Derek roared as he was taking off his pants. "I'M GONNA TAKE IT OFF AND YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT!"

Once the pants hit the floor, everybody stopped cheering…and stared at the sight before them.

"He only has one ball!" One biker announced.

"_Un testiculo." _Hurley said in Spanish.

"It's disgusting!" Another biker grimaced.

The bikers all looked at Derek in disgust and groaned like they just saw something scary.

"Pull your pants up, Derek." Emily whispered. Derek got the message and immediately pulled them up.

"Dude, what happened?" Damon asked.

"A toy lightsaber battle went terribly wrong when I was eight," Derek replied.

"Alright everyone, show's over."

Everyone groaned his or her protests at a middle-aged Italian man wearing a loosened tuxedo that looked rather expensive. Why he was wearing one in a bar like this, no one knew but him. Everyone but Damon and Kimball slowly left the bar.

"How was your night, Dave?" Damon smiled.

"Pretty good," Dave said. "Why are kids stripping?"

"They're not technically kids," Kimball explained. "They're like in their early 20s."

"You two are sick. Go home, the show's over."

Damon put his arms around Kimball. "Not at _our _house."

Dave shook his head as he watched his two main patrons skip out of the bar. He then turned to the nine visitors who were slowly putting on their clothes.

"You kids took a wrong turn?" He asked.

"Our car broke down," JJ said.

Dave nodded. "Chief Rossi can fix it."

"Chief Rossi?" Carlton repeated, clearly confused.

* * *

**CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS**

* * *

Dave took the kids to his log cabin that was two blocks from the bar. It had a rich Italian vibe to the place.

"Pretty sophisticated for a bar owner," Shawn whispered to Juliet.

"I know that fireplace looks lovely. Do you think we can…"

"No, Jules."

"Go make yourselves at home," Dave said. "I have homemade Baked Lasagna in the oven. You want some?"

The kids all answered positively at the same time.

An hour or so later, Dave was sitting in his leather chair listening to _The Godfather _soundtrack and watching his guests eat their meals.

Reid looked at his bowl warily before taking a bite of the pasta. Shawn and Gus were scrapping their food like hungry dogs, Emily was looking at this painting on the wall….she could've sworn it was smiling at her. JJ and Elle were listening to the soothing piano while eating their lasagna.

"This is some kick-ass lasagna you whipped up, man," Derek complemented.

Dave nodded as he lighted a cigar and smiled to himself. It was just a matter of time before the "special sauce" kicked in.

Carlton suddenly had this odd feeling crossing in his veins. It was like a couple of fairies came over and sprinkled some fairy dust over him. He felt entranced and no doubt his friends looked and felt the same way.

"I feel weird," Elle said, her voice distorted.

"I feel tingly," Reid said.

"I feel goooood," Juliet echoed.

"Karate is cooool," Shawn said.

The room began to spin, brighten with various colors…Dave was leaning back in his chair, smoking his cigar and laughing. When JJ heard Reid laugh an Ewok's laugh, she knew there was something going on.

"Guys," She said in a slurry voice. "I don't think we're eating your everyday, homemade Italian Lasagna."

"I got the recipe from Rachael Ray," Dave explained. "Making the lasagna was easy but the sauce, that was the trick–he proceeded to play a little piece on the piano–"Fresh tomato, minced garlic, basil, three different types of cheese, pepper, and bam!" Dave hit a low note on the piano.

"Bam!" Shawn and Gus repeated.

"Chief Rossi's secret ingredient," Dave finished.

Then Reid saw something very, very, very awesome.

"Oh, my God, oh my God," He said with a distorted voice.

"What?" Derek asked.

"What is it, Spence?" JJ said.

"I see an Ewok," Reid said.

Then Juliet gasped. "I see it too!" She squealed. "It's right beside you, Emily!"

"Seriously?" Emily smiled kookily.

No one seemed to see it but Juliet and Reid, due to their "lasagna-induced" fantasies, but there was an Ewok humping Emily Prentiss.

"He's humping your leg!" Reid laughed. "He's humping your leg!"

"Are you serious?" Emily laughed.

"No!" Derek drawled. "No teddy bear is humping my girl!"

Juliet snickered, "It's okay, Morgan."

"Gus, I love you man." Shawn said.

"I love you too, Shawn." Gus replied.

"We're a dream a baby's having," Elle giggled.

Soon everyone started laughing and giggling in a matter of minutes. Dave continues to smoke his cigar and play his piano. Shawn and Gus started to make karate noises, Reid and Juliet kept seeing Ewoks, Elle started dancing and Emily and Derek started making out.

"You're so hot, Emily," Derek said.

"You're even hotter, Derek," Emily said.

JJ was lying flat on the floor, gazing at the glass skylight. She'd never seen the stars so big before in all of her life! Then she saw big, yellow letters coming towards her in a crawl:

_**Hello Jennifer,**_

_**You are very, very, very, very, very, very**_

_**High…**_

"Death is but a journey to another life," Dave said. "A passage to the stars. The universe."

"I know what you mean," JJ breathed. "You mean The Force."

"Yeah, the Force."

The stars went into hyperspace. And, to JJ, it was a beautiful sight.

Suddenly, Carlton stood up abruptly as if he remembered something.

"Guys, my Uncle Leroy is going to kill me if Elle and I don't show up for work on Monday," He announced in a speedy voice.

"Lassie, screw it man." Shawn said in a relaxed voice.

Suddenly, Carlton heard a loud booming sound and found himself in his office at Loud Leroy's Cars:

* * *

_**What the hell am I doing here? **_He thought.

"_Carlton!" Elle's voice shouted from the background. "Carlton, help me!"_

_Carlton stood up, trying to get to his friend only to be surrounded by an army of Storm Troopers. One of them had Elle hostage, and she had on the Slave Outfit from **Return of the Jedi. **Then, the troopers stepped out of the way to make room for Leroy Jethro Gibbs. He was dressed in a black three-piece suit and a black cowboy hat. Carlton looked at his uncle with a fear that he'd never experienced before._

_ "Come join me, nephew." Leroy beckoned._

_Carlton shook his head. "No."_

_ "Come join the Dark Side." _

_Carlton kept shaking his head when he saw his cousin, Tony DiNozzo, dressed as Grand Moff Tarkin. _

_ "Yeah, Carlton." He said, coming behind Gibbs. "The Dark Side is awesome!"_

_ "No!" _

_Then Leroy took a red lightsaber and cut Carlton's left hand off._

_ "Carlton!" Elle screamed._

_ "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Carlton kept holding on to his hand, screaming in agony…_

* * *

"Carlton!"

Carlton woke up to the morning sun and Elle looking at him with concern in her face. He sat up abruptly and gave her a huge hug.

"Are you okay?" Elle asked.

"I think so–he checked his left hand to make sure it was still attached–"yeah, I'm fine. What was in that lasagna anyway?"

"If it is what I think it was then I've definitely dreamed I was the Latina Tinkerbell."

Carlton laughed and headed to the kitchen to make some coffee. He saw Juliet, Shawn, Emily and Gus sitting at the kitchen table. They looked just as bad as he and Elle did.

"You guys are okay?"

"I don't think I'll ever look at lasagna the same way again," Juliet groaned.

"Me neither," Emily agreed.

"I don't know what you guys are talking about," Shawn said. "That was the best dinner I've ever had. That secret ingredient rocked."

"That's because it was weed, Shawn." Gus said.

"Actually, it was peyote."

Everyone turned to look at Elle.

"I have a Mexican family," She shrugged.

Carlton shook his head. "Where're Derek, JJ and Reid?"

"Reid and Derek are still sleeping and JJ's in the bathroom," Emily said.

"She hasn't been feeling too well," Juliet added.

"I'll make sure she's okay." Carlton said.

He went to the left hallway.

"Bathroom's to the right," Emily stated.

Carlton made a reverse turn to the right hallway and found JJ hovering over the toilet, puking.

"Jen, are you alright?" He asked.

"I'm fine, Carlton. Go away."

Carlton turned to go until he heard JJ have another vomiting fit. He kneeled beside JJ and proceeded to pull her blonde hair back so it won't get in the way. The vomiting went on for two minutes until JJ finally stepped back from the toilet, and leaned against the wall. Carlton grabbed one of the glass cups from the shelf, filled it with water and gave it to JJ.

"Here, you don't want to get dehydrated." He said.

JJ took the cup with trembling hands and started to drink. "I can hardly hold anything down," She murmured. "One of the perks of having cancer."

"It'll be okay, Jayje. It won't be as painful."

"I don't need your sympathy, Lassiter."

"I'm not trying pity you, JJ. I'm worried about you."

"I can take care of myself…I'm gonna die anyway…"

JJ turned away from Carlton to hold back her tears.

"I know you're crying, JJ."

"So? Why do you care? You left."

"But I'm here now."

Carlton took JJ in his arms and hugged her tight. For the first time in four years, JJ cried.

* * *

"Is Reid humping Derek?" Shawn asked.

He, Gus, Emily, Juliet and Elle watched as the skinny white man was all on top of the older man.

"I think Reid is dreaming," Emily laughed.

"Oh, Rogue Leader," Reid moaned, caressing Derek. "Yes, Rogue Leader, yes."

"UGH, GOD!" Derek exclaimed, throwing Reid off the couch. "What the hell is wrong with you, Reid?!"

The rest of the gang laughed. Reid just stared at Derek and everyone, utterly confused but he soon got the message.

"Eww, no!" He grimaced. "Don't flatter yourself, Morgan–he took out a small R2-D2 toy–"it's just my R2. My lucky R2!"

"Pretty Boy, please. You only wish you had _the height and girth _of D2."

Derek headed to the kitchen to get some coffee when he heard a rather familiar hum coming from the front porch. Shawn recognized it too and they both made their way to the door.

"The van!" Shawn announced, going outside. "It's fixed!"

"Whoo!" Gus cheered. "Free at last!"

"Carlton, JJ, come out here!" Juliet shouted. "Dave fixed the van!"

Dave came to greet the young gang coming up towards him. Derek came up to the van in a cheerful glee.

"Yeah, alright!" He whooped. "Son of a whore, the _Falcon's _back!"

Carlton and JJ joined shortly after and found that the van was fixed, driving as good as new.

"Oh my God," Juliet smiled. "What happened?"

"Chief Rossi fixed it while you kids were asleep," Dave answered.

"Well, where is Chief Rossi?" Carlton asked. "Can we thank him?"

That's when JJ figured it out. "_He's _Chief Rossi," She said, pointing to Dave. "You're Chief Rossi, aren't you?"

"Nice deduction, sweetheart." Dave smiled.

"Why didn't you just tell us?" Elle asked.

"Chief Rossi likes to refer to himself in the third person," Dave said. "It causes confusion, especially with the ladies."

"Nice," Shawn and Gus smiled.

Derek came over to Dave and put his arms around him.

"Well, you're cool as balls to me, you old Don," he said. He made a fist-bump, which Dave graciously reciprocated. "Wonder Twin powers activate." Derek got in the driver's seat.

Emily came over and hugged Dave. "Thanks," She said. "And tell your gay bartenders I said goodbye." Dave simply nodded.

Shawn said his goodbye. "May the Force be with you, good friend."

Then Juliet. "Bye, Chief Rossi. Can you tell me where'd you got that cappuccino maker?"

"Jules!" Shawn warned.

Juliet gave Rossi one last smile before heading in the van.

Gus gave Dave a slow nod then Elle said her goodbye. "_Adios, _Dave." She said.

Reid shook Dave's hand and went into the van. Carlton did the same.

"It's been fun, Chief." He told him.

Finally, it was JJ's turn to say goodbye. "Thanks, Dave for everything," She said sincerely. As Dave returned the gesture, he gave JJ a big, brown paper bag.

"You need it more than I do," He told her.

"Thank you. What is it?"

JJ shook the bag before she sniffed it. Then she recognized the smell and her blue eyes went wide.

"I…I don't think I can take this," She stammered.

"I insist, we need a little boost to where we're headed sometimes. And a little sleep."

JJ smiled. "That is true."

They heard the horn honking. "JJ, let's go!" Derek called.

"Alright!" She called back. She turned to Dave. "What if I can't wake up?" She asked.

"Then it only means you're going to another journey," Dave explained. "To the Force."

"Thanks, Rossi." JJ said, hugging the man.

"Anytime, kiddo. Have a safe journey."

As she watch the mysterious Italian Chief walk back to his house, JJ felt herself feeling less afraid about dying and more excited about seeing _The Phantom Menace. _So JJ rushed quickly to the van where her friends were waiting for her.

"We're going to Texas, boys." She said.

* * *

_**Next Chapter: Spencer Reid FINALLY meets his Rogue Leader! But was it worth the wait? And what IS the Red Button in Derek's van for? We'll find all that out!**_


	7. Rogue Leader and the Red Button

_**Author's Note: ****Life has been kicking me in the butt! I haven't had time to update my stories but I promise to all my Liztopians and True Believers that I will. I will work on my last chapter of**_**_Detectives , _****_and get to updating on _****_Black Widows._********_ Also, I have a short chapter of this story that I'll put up soon. Be on the _****_lookout!_****  
**

* * *

_**Rogue Leader and the Red Button**_

* * *

"Hello, Hello! I'm at a place called _**Vertigo!" **_The gang belted out the U2 song _Vertigo _as they were driving to Texas. The drive there was, in lack of better terms, interesting: scaring fast-food employees by pulling up the drive-thru in their Start Trooper costume, urinating on electrical fences (Shawn nearly electrocuted his privates) and passing by beautiful women in their convertibles.

There were two certain women that caught Carlton Lassiter's eye. A young Hispanic girl and a young Caucasian girl. They smiled at Carlton and the boy smiled back. Suddenly, Spencer Reid pushed him aside, holding a sign that said: "FLASH IF YOU LIKE WOOKIES." The two girls looked at each other and smiled. Then the Hispanic girl began to pull her top up, slowly. Carlton and Spencer watched in anticipation, hoping that she might go through with it. Instead, the girl gave him the fingers and she and her friend drove off laughing. Reid and Carlton looked at each other and shrugged.

"Harrison Ford is the greatest actor of all time!" Burton Guster debated.

Elle Greenaway shook her head. "In _the history of Cinema?" _

"Yeah, he was Han Solo, Indiana Jones…"

"Declan in _Blade Runner," _Elle finished.

"Exactly and he's still awesome. He's never done a bad movie."

"What about _40 Days and 40 Nights?" _Shawn Spencer imputed.

"What's that?" Gus asked.

"I rest my case." Shawn smiled.

* * *

The night before they were going to meet Rogue Leader, the gang decided to play "Would You Rather?" and Derek Morgan had an intriguing question for Dr. Reid.

"Okay, this question is for Pretty Boy, here." Derek announced.

Everyone laughed lightly, Reid groaned in dread.

Derek thought about his question: "Um…would you rather make sweet love to a Wookie, or to an Ewok?" Everybody started chuckling.

"I'm not answering that," Reid objected. "This is clearly a trap."

"What? Just answer it." Emily Prentiss said.

"Such a punk, man." Shawn added.

"No, that's atrocious. Ask someone else." Reid begged.

"It's a question," Carlton reasoned. "It's not like, uh…you know." He looked to his friends for his answer.

"It's a game, Reid." Juliet O'Hara finished.

"Yeah, what Jules said."

"Yeah, answer it." Elle coaxed.

"Absolutely not." Reid was adamant.

"Oh, come on!" Shawn and Gus groaned.

"Spence, it's a simple question," JJ Jareau added. "Wookie or Ewok?"

"No! I'm not answering."

"Fine, fine. Forget it, Reid." Derek assured him. There was a slight, awkward pause. Then Derek added: "We all know that you'd pick a Wookie anyway. You like them tall, dark and hairy."

Emily and Shawn started laughing while the rest just smiled.

"No! I didn't–No, don't put words in my mouth!" Reid squeaked. He then sighed, "Fine. Okay, if I'm gonna answer, I would've said Ewok."

The van erupted in hysterical laughter.

"Nasty!" Shawn shouted.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard!" Carlton added.

Reid threw his hands up. "See what I mean?"

JJ threw an Ewok pillow at the young man, Elle and Juliet started gagging and Emily and Gus were containing their laughter.

"Dude, you rather get gangbanged by a tribe of fluffy Ewoks than have sex with one Wookie?" Derek asked.

"I never said–_You _never said 'gangbang,' Morgan!" Reid said, angrily. "You said who would I rather have sex…"

"I implied." Derek smiled.

"God, I hate you guys!" Reid pouted. "I hate you guys. You guys _suck!" _

Juliet and Emily came over to hug Reid. "Aww, you know you love us, Pretty Boy!" Emily cooed.

"Ewok Celebration, guys?" JJ smiled.

They all huddled together. "One, Two, Three, Fanboys! Chaka, chaka cha cha chi cha…"

They continued their celebration all night.

* * *

**CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS**

* * *

The gang arrived at Austin in an Internet Coffee Shop called _Java The Hutt. _It was around 10:45 a.m. They got out of the car stretching their bones, looking very tired.

"Man, I never thought it be so hot in November," Gus complained.

"It's Texas, Gus. What do you expect?" Juliet said.

"Well, let's hope Rogue Leader's still here," Emily said.

"Oh, she'll be here." Reid assured, coming out of the van.

He was dressed in black slacks, a white and purple paisley shirt and a brown jacket. His hair was slicked back and he wasn't wearing his glasses. So Reid was squinting a lot. Everyone looked at Reid and started laughing.

"Alright, Spence. Give her a taste of that 'White Chocolate.'" JJ teased.

"How do I look?" Reid asked.

"Like you just stepped out of a 70s porno movie." Shawn replied.

Derek snickered, "Oh man, did you raid your dad's closet or something?"

"Yeah. But it won't matter to Rogue Leader, right?"

"That's right, Reid." Juliet assured. "She's going to love you for who you are."

"No, she won't." Shawn and Derek objected.

Reid ignored their comments and turned to Carlton. "Toid me," He said.

"You're ready?" Carlton said. He popped an Altoid in Reid's mouth.

"Thanks."

"Nice."

Carlton patted Reid's shoulder as the young man went inside to meet his lover. The rest of the gang started snickering and cheering.

"Go get her." Gus commended.

* * *

This was it. The moment to rival all moments. Spencer Reid had never felt so cool and confident. He strutted to in the coffee shop with a pep in his step, a smirk on his face. Reid spotted a figure with long, blonde hair. Now, Reid didn't put on his glasses and he was extremely nearsighted. So the blonde figure was just a blur. He waved hello until he realized that the blonde figure was actually a male. Reid nearly shrieked in terror. Thankfully, he didn't notice his friends outside humping the windows. The gang was getting busy when suddenly Emily stopped smacking Derek's butt.

"Yo Mama, why'd you stop?" Derek asked.

"Look where Reid's going to." Emily said.

Derek looked at the window and saw Rogue Leader. She wasn't a man…but she wasn't a woman either. The rest of the gang must've saw it as well because they've stopped humping.

"Rogue Leader, I presume?" Reid asked a lady across from him, _completely ignoring _his friends.

"Red Six?" Rogue Leader asked.

"Just let me put my glasses on for a sec–Reid put on his glasses to take a better look at Rogue Leader–"WHAT THE HELL?!"

Smiling at Reid was a young preteen girl in with curly, red hair and glasses. She had on a _Sailor Moon _T-Shirt. Reid was still in shock.

"But-but you're just a kid," He stammered. "You're only 12."

"I'm 10." Rogue Leader corrected.

"_You're 10?!" _

"Yes."

Reid was literally lost for words. It wasn't until the guys came into the picture that he started to form his words. Juliet, Carlton, JJ and Derek came to Reid's side

"Oh my God," JJ squealed. "Spence, are you okay?"

"I'm a pedophile! I'm a pedophile!" Reid shouted.

"Apparently not," Carlton muttered.

"I'm a pedophile!" Reid kept screaming.

Juliet put her hand on Reid's mouth. "Shut up, Reid!" She shushed. "We're in Texas. They have guns for God's Sakes!"

"Let's get out of here," Derek suggested. He turned to Rogue Leader. "Could you excuse us for a moment, sweetheart?"

* * *

They exited the coffee shop taking a hysterical Spencer Reid with them, who kept screaming: "I'm a pedophile! We must leave the state at once! We must leave the state at once!" Once they got outside, Derek, Shawn and Gus started laughing hysterically.

"Oh my God!" Gus laughed.

"That was hilarious!" Shawn added. "I gotta admit I didn't see that coming."

"Me neither," Derek said. "Dr. Reid rocking the cradle."

"Shut up, Derek." Emily sneered. She turned to Reid, who was hyperventilating. "We traveled 2,000 miles, Reid," She said. "_2,000 _for what? So you can get freaky with Strawberry Shortcake?!"

"It-it wasn't really sex, it was cybersex." Reid said.

"Okay, everyone relax," JJ reassured. "We'll just put our thinking caps on and come up with a new plan."

But Carlton lived in reality. "Guys, Elle and I _have _to be at work by Monday," He announced. "I didn't tell you guys this but Uncle Leroy gave me the whole company."

"Are you serious?" Juliet asked, incredulously.

"Yep, it's all his," Elle confirmed.

No one really said anything. Reid gave a thumbs up to Carlton.

"Thanks, Reid."

Derek wasn't really amused. "My uncle gave me the company and I have to be at work by Monday," he mocked. "Ooh, look at me. I'm a bigshot." He turned to the others. "What's the new gameplan?"

JJ started to answer when Carlton cut her off. "_There is no new gameplan_!" He emphasized. "We need to cut our losses and get out of here. Okay, Elle and I have to go back to work, Shawn and Juliet have to go back to planning a wedding and you have go back to your mother's garage."

Derek looked like his head was going to explode. He bit into his side view mirror to contain his anger.

"It's my Fortress of Solitude, Carlton," He gritted his teeth.

"It's a garage, Derek."

"Say it again, Lassiter!"

"It's a garage, Morgan!"

Morgan charged up to Carlton, looking for a fight. And Carlton wasn't afraid to give him one. Emily, JJ, Shawn and Elle were trying to break it up. The rest were just watching, helpless of what to do. None of them noticed three adults coming toward them. Except for Reid who was bogged out of his mind.

"Guys!" He tried to call his friends. But they were too busy trying to start a riot.

"I'm coming at you, _holding my scholong!" _Derek shouted.

_"Well, bring it!" _Carlton challenged.

"Okay guys, break it up!" JJ stopped.

"Hey, children!"

The gang turned around to see two women, one blonde the other brunette and a tall, husky man. Reid, Gus, Shawn and Juliet were nearly psyched out of their minds.

"Oh my God," Shawn breathed. "It's Benson, Stabler and Vick."

"Who?" Carlton asked.

"Olivia Benson, Elliot Stabler and Karen Vick are like the ultimate Fanboys," Gus explained. "Their newsletter 'Ain't It Cool News' is every geek's fanpage."

"You guys are like my idols," Juliet squealed.

"Well, thank you." Olivia said.

"Which one of you is Reid?" Karen asked.

Reid stepped forward. "Spencer Reid actually. It's nice to meet you."

But as Reid reached forward to shake Karen's hand, the woman stepped aside and before anyone knew it, Elliot flipped Reid to the ground. Nearly shocked, they all rushed to help Reid but Olivia and Karen stepped in the way.

"Back off if you don't want the same beating!" Olivia warned.

Elliot dragged Reid off the ground and banged him hard on the side of Derek's van. Then he kept slapping him hard.

"What's going on, JJ?" Elle asked, utterly terrified.

"Elliot Stabler is kicking Spencer Reid's ass!" JJ replied.

Elliot stopped slapping Reid just in time for Karen to storm right beside him.

"Now you listen to me, you perv," She seethed. "If you _ever _email my daughter again, I will have my brother and his girlfriend hunt you down like a T-1000."

"And I'm a Texas Ranger," Elliot added.

Carlton thought it was time to intervene. "Look, it was all a misunderstanding…" But Carlton couldn't finish his sentence because Karen punched him in the stomach and put him in a headlock.

"You will release my friends," Derek said, using a Jedi Mind trick. Olivia punched him in the knee.

"Okay, we're going to Skywalker Ranch and Angelica there said she could give us the floorplans," JJ explained. "We were going to break in and steal _Episode I, _that's it!"

"Really?" Karen scoffed.

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard since Schumacher put nips on Batman," Elliot said.

"It wasn't that stupid," Olivia said.

"You just say that because it was George Clooney and Val Kilmer."

Elliot punched Reid harder in his scrotum while Karen's headlock grew tighter.

"Anybody else got any stupid comments?" Karen challenged

"These aren't the droids you're looking for," Shawn said, coming towards them. Olivia saw him and jumped at him. "Hey, hey."

"It does sound stupid, I know." JJ said. "But very true, we've been planning this trip since we were like six."

"Karen, Elliot, Olivia, listen," Emily offered. "Help us out and we'll give you all exclusive spoilers, details and everything. Honest to God."

Karen, Elliot and Olivia looked at each other for a long time, as if they were having a mental conversation with each other. Then after three long minutes, Karen let go of Carlton and she motioned Elliot to let go of Reid. Carlton was gasping for air and Reid slumped to the ground.

"That sounds like an interesting offer," Olivia observed.

"It does," Karen agreed. She turned to Emily. "_Episode V _was directed by who?"

"Irving Kershner." Emily answered.

"That was just a warm-up. Liv?"

Olivia turned to Shawn. "Giggles, who did Jabba the Hutt send to collect Han Solo's debt in _Episode IV?" _

"That's easy, Greedo." Shawn replied.

"Huh, I actually thought he wouldn't get it." Elliot just shrugged, then he turned to Juliet.

"Blondie #1, who was Luke's childhood friend that fought with him in the Rebellion?"

"Biggs Darklighter," Juliet said.

Karen nodded before turning to Gus and Derek. Derek looked stoic. Gus, on the other hand, was freaked out of his mind. "Where did Han take the _Millennium Falcon _for repairs in _Episode V?" _

"Please, Cloud City." Gus smiled. Karen started to say something else but Derek cut her off, "And Cloud City is located in the Bespin System."

"Alright, then. Your turn, Elliot."

Elliot turned to JJ and Elle. "You, Senorita and Blondie #2, in _Episode VI _when Leia shoots down two Storm Troopers, why didn't she just take one of the speeder bikes instead of walking?"

"If you pay close attention, the speeders were destroyed," JJ answered.

"Oh, and Luke mentioned it later on in the dialogue." Elle added.

"Interesting," Elliot said. "We weren't worried about you, though."

He then came over to Reid, who was lying flat on the concrete. Motioning Olivia to come over, Elliot grabbed Reid by the collar and forced him up. Olivia came over on the other side of him.

"Okay, Cradlerocker," She said. "What was Luke's call sign during the Rebel Assault on the Death Star in _Episode IV?" _

"Red 5," Reid croaked.

Olivia nodded at Elliot then he dropped Reid.

"They seem to have passed, sis." Elliot told Karen.

"That may be, but you are all as strong as your weakest link." Karen came over to Carlton. "Hello, Weakest Link."

"Huh?" Carlton looked confused and afraid.

"What is the name of Chewbacca's home planet?"

Everybody looked at Carlton in anticipation and anxiousness. Juliet's mouth gaped, Emily's heart stopped, Shawn and Derek tried to "use the Force" to help Carlton, Gus tried sign language, Elle was mouthing the words but JJ stopped her. Everyone was on edge. Carlton was dumbfounded.

"But that wasn't mentioned in the movies," He said. "That's not fair."

"Life never is," Karen said.

"I know! I know!" Reid volunteered. Elliot kicked him in the ribs to shut him up.

"Do you give up?" Karen challenged.

Realistically, Carlton knew the answer. But if he said it would mean validating the fact that he was going along with this plan. If he didn't, his friends would be Texas meat.

"Come on, Carlton." JJ coaxed. "Just say it."

Sighing in resignation, Carlton gave his answer: "Kashyyyk. Chewie's home planet is Kashyyyk." JJ, Elle and Juliet gave Carlton a hug while Shawn and Gus gave each other fist bumps. Derek and Emily cheered happily and Reid gave a thumbs up.

Karen patted Carlton on the shoulder. "Not bad, Hun. Not bad." After picking Reid up off the ground, Karen, Elliot and Olivia gathered the gang together.

"Okay, we're going to help you," Karen said. "You're going to meet our friend in Las Vegas. He's going to give you everything you need. Codes, floor plans, everything."

"How do we know it's him?" Juliet asked.

"Oh, don't worry," Olivia assured. "You'll know. The word is 'scruffy nerfhearder.'"

"Scruffy Nerfhearder," JJ smiled.

"Okay, guys. Good luck." Karen said.

She and her friends turned to leave. As Elliot followed, he eyed the design on Derek's van. "Nice detailing." He complemented.

"Well, we're going to Vegas, guys." Emily said.

* * *

**CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS**

* * *

The ride to Vegas was silent. No one wanted to say anything to Derek because he was still pissed at Carlton for the things he said. His driving more than showed it. He was doing 85 on a 55 speed limit. Not even Emily reprimanded him. Finally, Carlton broke the silence.

"Hey, Derek. Do you mind slowing down a bit?" He asked.

"Sorry, I don't speak jag-off." Derek said.

"You know, I thought it'd be nice to go to Vegas in one piece. We're not drag racers, okay."

"Carlton, you should really stop talking for your own good," Emily warned.

"Why are you defending him?"

"I'm not! I think that both of you should shut up."

Carlton was about to retort when he was interrupted by the sounds of a police siren. Everyone groaned in exasperation.

"Great, we got Imperial Bacon, people." Derek announced.

Then JJ remembered something _very bad. _ "Um, guys? _Probably _not the best time to tell you this," She revealed. "But there's a big bag of peyote in the back of the van."

_"WHAT?" _Everybody exclaimed.

"You got drugs, Jenny?!" Shawn added.

"Chief Rossi gave it to me," JJ explained. "He told me that I needed it."

"Derek, you need to pull over." Juliet pleaded.

"We can't pull over with a big-ass bag of peyote with us," Reid argued.

"Reid's right, Morgan. Don't pull over." Gus said.

"No, pull over." Carlton said.

_ This is the New Mexico Police. You are exceeding the known speed limit. Pull Over Now!_

"Do as he says, Morgan." Carlton said.

"Don't do as he says," Gus said.

"Really, Gus? You're gonna contradict the police?" Shawn said.

"I'm not going to jail over JJ's bag of weed, Shawn."

"It's peyote!" JJ exclaimed.

"Whatever, its still drugs."

"Just pull over, Derek." Elle suggested.

But Derek Morgan had a different view in mind.

"SUCK MY EXHAUST, PORK RIND!" He shouted as he increased his speed on his van. He swerved to the left then to the right to throw the police's trail off.

"Talk to me, chica." Derek asked Elle.

Elle looked behind her and saw the cops. "Talk to you? He's back!" She exclaimed.

"Can you drive faster?" Shawn asked.

"This is as fast as she can go," Derek said.

"Oh, God!" Reid cried.

The cops were catching up with Derek and everyone was panicking.

"Derek, move this piece of shit!" Carlton shouted.

"Look, Lassiter. You don't get to call my van a piece of shit!"

"Well, what should I call it?"

Derek was about to retaliate when JJ grabbed his attention.

"Derek, you gotta break Rule #2." She said.

Derek had a serious look on his face. Then he decided to break his important rule.

"Chewie, prepare the jump for lightspeed."

"Alright," JJ cheered. She turned a key that opened the glass-encased red button. After opening the case JJ waited for Derek's signal.

"Carlton, what's with the red button?" Elle asked in a panic.

"How should I know?" He replied. "Someone wanna tell me what the goddamn red button's for?!"

"It's lightspeed, kid." Derek answered.

"Lightspeed, really?"

"Trust me, we're going to get out of here."

"We better, Derek Morgan." Emily said. "Because the police are ganging up on us."

Derek turned around to see the police cars ganging up on them.

"JJ, punch it!"

"AHHH!"

JJ punched the red button hard…and nothing happened.

Derek looked at the button in disbelief. "What?!"

"Why aren't we going hyperspace fast?" Shawn asked.

"I don't know, I put a whole tank of nitrous in this thing." Derek reasoned.

"Yeah, Morgan. Lightspeed is awesome." Carlton said sarcastically.

"Derek, just do something!" Reid panicked.

Derek ignored everybody and was completely frustrated. So frustrated, he banged his head on the steering wheel. And before anybody knew it, the van was going 100 miles per minute.

_"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" _Everybody screamed.

"YEAH, I KNEW IT! IT WORKS!" Derek cheered.

"WE KNOW NEVER TO UNDERSTIMATE YOU AGAIN, DEREK!" Carlton shouted.

The Policemen couldn't fathom on why the van went from 85 to 115 in less than 60 seconds. The vehicle was speeding out of control.

"Should we pursue?" The first policeman asked.

"No, let them run out of juice," His partner said.

The van kept going at impeccable speed until it smashed into a police billboard. The two policemen got out of the car and noticed the billboard cut out in the shape of Darth Vader with the words: "JOIN THE FORCE."

"Huh, very ironic." The first policeman said.

They noticed someone coming out of the smoke and immediately took out their guns. Derek Morgan staggered out of the van and made his way out of the billboard and noticed the two policemen with their guns pointed at him.

"Freeze!" The 1st policeman said.

"Don't Move!" The 2nd one said.

Derek smiled. "Officers! Is there a problem?"

* * *

_**Next Chapter: **__**The Fanboys end up in jail…Guess who bails them out! Elle makes a confession and Carlton is at a crossroads. Guess someone needs to find their Death Star!**_


	8. Finding Your Death Star

_**Finding Your Death Star**_

* * *

"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen…nobody knows but Jesus…."

"Gus, shut up!" Juliet O'Hara shushed. "We're already depressed enough as it is."

Burton Guster smacked his lips at Juliet as he stopped singing. There was once again silence in the old jail cell. The kids were placed there after the van was going fast and furious. Now they were waiting for their bailout. It's been almost two days.

"You know I probably shouldn't have called that cop a fag," Derek Morgan said.

"Yeah, I think he took it the wrong way," Elle Greenaway agreed.

Suddenly, the jail door opened and Wayne Rigsby, the head officer/bailiff in charge of the prison, walked in with nine sandwiches in his hand.

"Breakfast!" He called out as he threw one sandwich at each prisoner.

"Ow!"

"What the…"

"Hey, will you watch it!"

"What is this, Dodgeball?"

"Jesus!"

"Dude, really?!"

"Ahhh!"

Rigsby threw the last two at Spencer Reid who dodged them like they were hot potatoes. "Enjoy, suckers." He laughed.

Shawn Spencer threw his sandwich at the door. "You suck it!"

"Yeah, I don't think that's gonna help any," Emily Prentiss said.

"And I don't think you should say 'suck it' in a prison," Juliet added.

Reid looked at the sandwich. "Ham and cheese."

"They couldn't come up with a PB & J?" Gus complained.

Carlton Lassiter looked pissed. "Well, look on the bright side, guys," He said. "This trip can't _possibly get any worse!" _

"Actually, it just did boys," Shawn said as he felt an odd feeling in his stomach.

Reid looked at him worriedly. "What are you talking about?"

Shawn stood up and headed towards the toilet. "I gotta drop the sewer pickle." He announced.

"Ugh, Shawn. Not here!" Juliet whined.

"Sorry, Jules. I need to throw it in reverse."

"You couldn't hold it?" Derek said.

"I've been holding it for almost two days, Man!"

JJ Jareau just woke up and was just getting aware of her surroundings. She saw Shawn near the toilet and everyone else with grossed out looks on their faces.

"What is Shawn doing?" She asked Carlton.

"He's about to drop a deuce."

_"In prison?" _

"Lassie, give me your ham and cheese." Shawn requested.

Carlton didn't know why Shawn wanted his sandwich but he tossed it to him anyway.

"Alright, Jules. Help me out, babe. Give me another one."

Juliet tossed another sandwich to Shawn.

"What is he going to do with the ham and cheese sandwiches?" Carlton asked.

"I don't know." Juliet replied.

Shawn separated the sandwiches and started place the ham, cheese and bread in on the toilet seat.

"I'm not sitting on this toilet," He said.

The rest of the gang figured out what Shawn was doing and immediately became grossed out.

"Shawn, what the hell?!" Carlton exclaimed.

"Oh, Jesus." Juliet shook her head.

"What, it's crawling with criminal-ass germs." Shawn reasoned.

Reid looked disgusted and Gus started retching. The rest were complaining.

"God, Shawn. Just _hover, man!" _JJ said.

"What's wrong with you? Even I don't resort to that!" Derek exclaimed.

The cell door opened again and Rigsby appeared. "All right, you pre-pubes." He announced. "You got visitors!" Rigsby then eyed Shawn on the toilet with a makeshift ham and cheese toilet seat cover…and was disturbed. "Sweet can of corn," He asked. "What in the world are you doing with that ham and cheese sandwich, boy? That's not right what you're doing."

"Yeah, I know." Shawn sighed.

* * *

**CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS**

* * *

"Shawn, you owe me a sock." Reid said.

"I had to wipe with something," Shawn shrugged.

The gang followed Rigsby to the processing center where two pissed-off girls were waiting for them.

"You pussies owe us," Penelope Garcia seethed.

"Big time," Abby Scuito added.

"Penelope, Abby, thank God!" Gus sighed in relief.

"We thought you didn't get our message," Carlton said.

"If by 'message' you mean Gus shrieking and crying into my answering machine like a little girl–Derek laughed while Gus pouted–then yes, message received."

"You don't know what we've been through," Reid reasoned. "Shawn just took a dump in front of us."

"Yeah, that's life inside the Big House." Shawn nodded.

Penelope and Abby just looked at Shawn in disgust.

"Penny, please tell me you have the money." JJ said.

"Abby and I cleaned out every cent Reid had at the comic book store." Penelope confirmed.

Reid look shocked. "You did _what?! _Why would you…"

"Nah ah!" Abby interrupted. "Don't you even speak!" Reid shut his mouth.

"You have no idea what _we've _been through," Penelope said. "We took an airplane, two taxis and an all-night bus ride next to an old man whom I'm pretty sure had a full diaper. So don't mess with us right now!"

Derek began to say something when Rigsby intervened once more.

"Alright, visiting time's over, the judge wants to see you in his private chambers," He led the kids to a cornered room before adding: "Oh and whatever you do, _do not _make fun of his name."

* * *

Judge Patrick Jane looked at the young adults sitting across from him in his chambers. They had fearful looks on their faces…well, except for two of them. Derek and Shawn were trying their best to hold their snickers.

"Judge Jane is so lame," Shawn snickered to himself.

Derek laughed. "What is he related to Judge Judy?"

Emily smacked them both upside their heads. "Will you shut up?" She gritted. To Judge Jane, she said: "I'm sorry, they're idiots."

"No need to apologize, I get this all the time," Jane smiled. He adjusted his seat and added: "So let me get this straight, you tried to outrun the police because you carried a bag of an illegal substance you obtained from an Italian-Indian Chief…because you thought it would cure your friend's terminal illness?"

"Yeah, that's pretty much how it went down," Carlton confirmed.

Patrick Jane nodded. He wrote something on a sticky note before making his judgment.

"All right, you're all free to go." He decided.

The kids all sighed in relief.

"Oh my God!" Juliet squealed.

"Yes!" Reid cheered.

"Seriously, we're free to go?" Carlton asked.

"Sure, but not because I believe _you." _Jane said. "It's because I believe _your uncle." _

Suddenly, Carlton became floored. Elle could see the fear in his eyes. So could everyone else.

"M-My uncle?" Carlton stammered.

"Uh-huh," Jane confirmed.

"You actually spoke to my uncle?"

"Sure did. He actually wanted me to send you this message."

"Approach the bench!" Rigsby announced.

Nervously, Carlton approached the judge's bench as Judge Jane handed him the sticky note. He read the note and suddenly, Carlton felt numb.

"Carlton, what does it say?" Elle asked.

"_Home Now or You and Greenaway are fired!" _Carlton read.

"Have a nice day, son." Jane smiled.

Carlton's gaze went from his friends to the note and he left abruptly. Elle followed him shortly after.

"Carlton, wait!" She said.

"Not now, Elle." Carlton said.

"Look, it may not be as bad as you think. It can be like a blessing in disguise."

"_What blessing in disguise?! _I'm about to lose my job."

"You _hate _that job, Carlton. You say so a million times."

"But I need it to support myself. Thanks to JJ and her stupid plan…"

"Don't blame JJ!" Elle argued. "This was your idea, you wanted to break into Skywalker Ranch. And you know, for a moment I saw the real Carlton Lassiter, not some sellout."

"Oh, God. Now you sound like JJ." Carlton groaned.

"Well, maybe she's right. Has it ever occurred to you _why _she hasn't talked to you in four years?"

"I already know."

"No, you don't. She was in love with you but you're too blind to see the good things in front of you, you let them slip away."

Carlton was dumbfounded. JJ was in love with him? How come she never told him? How come he never picked it up before?

"I…I need some air." Carlton rushed out of the jail before Elle could even say anything else to him. A few minutes later, JJ came by Elle's side, followed by Derek and Emily.

"Where's Carlton going?" JJ asked.

"He just said that he needed air," Elle replied.

"We need to follow him," Emily said. "He might do something drastic."

"Like jump off a cliff?" Derek suggested.

* * *

**CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS*CMFANBOYS**

* * *

The gang drove for nearly 30 minutes until they found Carlton sitting on a low-edge cliff, just contemplating his life. They waited there for another 20 minutes, thinking about what to do.

"It's official," JJ said. "The man's gone carbonite freeze on us."

"I shouldn't have said that you were in love with him," Elle apologized.

"No, don't worry about it. I'm glad you said it."

"I didn't know you were in love with Lassie," Shawn said.

JJ was about to say something when Emily cut her off, "Guys, we got less than two hours before our contact in Vegas leaves, we need to get there now."

"Don't worry, Mama." Derek assured. "I'm gonna knock some sense into Lassiter."

Derek started walking towards Carlton when Penelope stopped him.

"Hey, cut him some slack, Derek." She said.

"Yeah, he's going through some stuff." Juliet added.

Reid came out of the van with his laptop in hand.

"Alright, I mapped our route in my old Toughbook and the nearest airport is less than 3 miles away," He said. "All we gotta do is drop Garcia and Abby off and we'll be on our way to Sin City!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Abby intervened. "You haul our asses out in the middle of nowhere and expect Penny and me to just jump on the next plane to Quantico? No, that's not gonna happen."

"No chance in hell," Penelope added.

"Girls, you know this is an adult-only vacation," JJ said. "You're both 18."

"I'll tell you what," Penelope challenged. "If anyone can take Abby down, then we'll leave."

Everyone with the exception of Emily and Gus started laughing.

"You must be out of your mind," Shawn laughed.

"We're not fighting, Abby." Juliet said.

"You shouldn't fight Abby," Emily warned. "She's a scrapper."

Derek stroked Abby's cheek and laughed. "This adventure is too dangerous for you lovely ladies. I gonna go get Lassie."

Penelope gave Abby a knowing look as they watched Derek walking toward Carlton. Suddenly, Abby lunged forward, climbed on top of Derek's back and started to choke him.

"What the heck?!" Derek gagged.

"Derek, use your knees!" Shawn said.

"How's he going to use his knees, Shawn?" Gus asked.

"Derek, just concede." Emily said.

"Call time out, Derek!" Reid said.

"Someone help me!" Derek gagged. "Get the jaws of life!"

Penelope snickered. "Anybody else want to take a go at Abby?"

Shawn and Gus shook their heads.

"We're good." JJ spoke.

"Welcome aboard, girls." Reid welcomed. "And I speak for everyone."

"Thanks." To Abby, Penelope said: You can let go now, Abbs."

Abby let go of Derek and the older man slumped to the ground, breathing hard. Everyone looked from Derek's direction to Abby's, amazed at the 5'6 petite girl doing a sleeper hold on a muscular built 6'4 man.

"Now go get Carlton!" Abby commanded.

The gang nodded and hurriedly rushed by Carlton's side.

"Be nice!" Penelope added.

Derek slowly stood up and walked toward Carlton. He looked at Penelope and Abby.

"You're lucky you're Emily's cousin," He said to Abby. To Penelope, he said: "And _you're _lucky I had a crush on you."

* * *

Carlton stared at the sunset marveling at it's beauty. How did his life get to be so empty and meaningless? Why didn't he see what was in front of him? Carlton couldn't help but wonder if he hadn't gone to New York, his relationship with his friends, especially JJ, would've been different.

"Hey, Carlton. Are you okay?" JJ asked.

Carlton turned to see JJ, Elle, Juliet and Emily on his left and Shawn, Derek, Reid and Gus on his right.

"You know I could start fresh here," Carlton said. "Clean slate, No one to impress, no one to answer to, just me and my thoughts."

"Yeah, that sounds real nice, Carlton." Juliet said.

"Well, yeah. In theory, it sounds nice," Reid reasoned. "But there isn't like internet for 2 cities."

"Or an In & Out Burger, Falafel Hut," Derek added.

"McDonald's for that matter," Gus said.

"Guys, shut up." Emily said.

"Carlton, getting fired is not the end of the world," Elle said.

"It's not about getting fired," Carlton said. "I thought if I worked hard, sold a few cars and impressed my uncle a couple of times, I might feel something. But I don't."

There was a brief silence. Then Shawn said: "You gotta find your 'Death Star.'"

Carlton looked at Shawn. "Okay, Spencer. I'll bite."

"Greatest deed Luke Skywalker ever did, was destroy the Death Star, right?" Shawn explained. "That's what you gotta do, you have to find that one bad-ass thing that will define you for the rest of your life."

"That was very profound, Shawn." Juliet complemented.

"I know. I surprise myself."

The gang sat in the sunset reflecting in silence when Penelope interrupted it.

"Hey, S Club!" She shouted. "Are you gonna swap recipes all day? Vegas awaits, ladies!"

* * *

_**Next Chapter: **__**LAS VEGAS…FANBOY STYLE! And you know what they say: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Or does it?**_


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